Chapter
1- The Temptations
The
last time Alyssa ran away to New York her heart was broken, that was ten years
ago. Now she ran back to New York this time however her heart wasn’t broken, it
was taken away from her.
The
person who had her heart was gone and left only his own heart. Michael had
given his life for her, undeserving that she was still he gave his own heart
for her to live a life without him.
It
wasn’t fair. None of it was. She didn’t understand why Michael had to give up
his life for her, how could Michael gave away his life when he would know that
she wouldn’t want to live if he wasn’t there with her anymore? How could he ask
her to live if he wasn’t by her side?
What
kind of life could she lead if she couldn’t share it with him?
But
she had to try. She had to try to live. For Michael. Even though he was gone,
he would have wanted her to live even when it would be so hard for her to live
a life without him especially when they had just been together for only a short
time after ten long years of being separated.
It
really was unfair, they had waited for ten years for each other and when they
finally got together, fate decided to take them apart.
She
knew she was never going to be okay but she had to live because everyone around
her wanted her to, her parents would have wanted her to try, Conrad hoped she
would and Jenny she demanded she try.
She
had felt guilty over the death of Michael, she couldn’t even look at his
parents’ eyes during the funeral it was her fault he was gone. She knew that
Jenny blamed her even if she didn’t say it aloud.
Michael
had chosen to die for her. And Jenny was trying to fulfill the promise she made
with Michael that she was going to help Alyssa no matter what. Alyssa had felt
envious of Jenny, she was the last person Michael had called.
And
Alyssa would have given anything just to hear his voice for the last time, that
was why she watched his last video over and over again. It soothed the pain she
was always feeling sometimes though she would feel more pain every time she
watched that video.
So
she decided to stop from watching it. She couldn’t take the pain. She couldn’t
handle it, Heaven knows what she’d try if she got tired of bearing the pain.
She’d seek a way to assuage it, to replace it and she didn’t want to go to that
road again. She owed it to Michael to try to live and not to waste her life.
“Alyssa.”
She heard Jenny called her, she quickly shut the cabinet, and she left the
bathroom closed it behind her just as Jenny came in her room. She breathed a
sigh of relief, she couldn’t let Jenny see what she had been contemplating on
doing earlier.
Jenny
eyed her skeptically for a moment and shrugged. “Since I’m leaving tomorrow
let’s go have dinner out.” She suggested. After months of staying with her
in New York Jenny had decided to go back to Manila and be with her doting
fiancé.
At
first, Alyssa didn’t like it, she was scared. Jenny had helped her, she was not
like Conrad who thought of her as fragile. Jenny helped her in a way Conrad
couldn’t. She didn’t think it was fine to leave her be, she had her unorthodox
way of helping her unlike Conrad who didn’t want to push her too hard fearing
he would break her.
It
wasn’t that she didn’t appreciate Conrad because she did. It was just sometimes
being around someone who thought of you as fragile was suffocating.
Alyssa
nodded in approval. “Sure. Where do you want to go?” she asked Jenny.
Jenny
shrugged “Conrad’s doing the reservation.” She stated. “I’m in my
room if you need me.” she said and turned her back on Alyssa and walked out
of the room.
Alyssa
closed her eyes, it was a good thing Jenny came in. She didn’t want what she
was contemplating on doing earlier in the bathroom but that didn’t mean that
she never liked it. She couldn’t help herself.
She
liked feeling numb. She didn’t want to but she liked it. Sometimes when the
pain was too much, she needed to feel numb. She needed not to feel anything.
She couldn’t try and kill herself because Michael would have never wanted that
so that path was a no-go. Only numbing herself and pain meds helped.
It
had always helped. When she was high on pain meds, she felt nothing. It was a
good feeling because every day since she woke up and learned that her fiancé
died and gave her his heart all she felt was pain and sorrow.
She
knew it was wrong, knew she needed help again just like what happened before.
Knew that she needed to talk to someone about the loss she felt, the pain but
she couldn’t talk even with Conrad who she had always confided in whenever she
had her urges of cutting and taking pain meds before.
She
just couldn’t stomach the disappointment and fear she’d definitely see in
Conrad’s eyes or anyone’s but more on Conrad’s.
She
walked out of her room and went straight to the library and maybe reading would
take her mind off things. Once inside the library she grabbed the book that was
on the table and began reading it.
She
then eyed the decanters of spirits on her side, she breathed deeply she needed
to be strong and not be tempted by what those decanters would do to her. It
would surely help her ease her mind off things.
Alcohol
had that way around people. You drink and you forget.
And
she wanted to badly to forget. But she would not dare drink. She needed to be
strong and fight the temptations of alcohols and pain meds.
She
startled when the door opened, she looked up and saw Conrad walking in. “Hi.”
She greeted.
Conrad
smiled at her and sat on the opposite side of her. “Hi. How are you?” he
asked.
She
took a glance at the decanters and then quickly faced Conrad who abruptly rose
and went to pull the bell. “I’m fine. What brings you here in the estate? I
thought you’re busy.”
He
turned to her, studied her face for a while and then spoke. “Merely checking
on you.”
“I
don’t need you to check on me every hour of the day Conrad. I am fine!” she
said in outrage. Just because she was broken didn’t mean that they needed to
check on her every time of the day because they fear she’d take her life. She
would not dare take her life, it was Michael’s gift to her.
Before
Conrad could speak, a maid came in. Conrad turned to her. “Please see to it
to rid the house of the alcohols.” He ordered.
The
maid nodded and walked out.
“You
can’t do that!” she told him.
He
raised his eyebrow at her. “Nobody in this house drinks Alyssa.”
“Even
so! You don’t live here so you can’t just order around our servants to do your
bidding.”
He
nodded and turned his eyes away from her not until she saw the hurt in his eyes
though. “I should go. I’m not sure I can join you and Jenny at dinner but my
secretary had reserved a table at the Tea Room.” He said and walked towards
the door.
Alyssa
stood up. “Conrad.” She called. He turned to face her with a blank face.
“I’m sorry. Please join us for dinner.”
He
smiled sadly. “How could I refuse?” He said and left.
She
sighed, she made a mess of things. But she was just annoyed that Conrad could
still read her like a book. She just had to look at the decanters and he knew
then she’d been tempted.
She
didn’t want him to know. As she said, she would never want to see disappointment
in his eyes.
He
was one of the most important people in her life right now. She didn’t know how
she’d live without him in her life, she dare not to think about such things.
Conrad was always the one who helped her stand up no matter what.
He
had found her years ago in the brink of death and he somehow brought her back
to life. He helped and he had been her anchor since then.
She
would not want him gone in her life. She had already lost Michael, she didn’t
want another loss.
