Sunday, July 27, 2014

Fighting Destiny - Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Lies, you can always run from it but the moment it catches you, it cripples you. Every lie you tell can ruin someone else’s life or yours. Every lie can be the secret ingredient for damnation.

***

I wake up feeling groggy, I open my eyes only to close it when the lights hurt my eyes. I count to ten then slowly open my eyes, I examine the room and I almost cry when I finally find myself back in a hospital room.

I see Kim entering the room, he walks towards me and tries to hold my hand but I pull away, I look away from him and stare at the window. “Mary.”

I shake my head, “I’m tired. I want to sleep.”

He sighs and kisses me on my head, “I’ll be outside if you need me.”

When I hear the door closed, I let the tears fall, I don’t know why I’m starting to pull away again, is it because I’m back in the hospital? Will I really spend the rest of my days lying on a hospital bed?

I was doing fine, Kim and I were enjoying this little trip. After Paris, we got back to Germany and we toured Frankfurt and Berlin. It was fun and freeing. But now, here I am back.

I don’t want to be here anymore. I want to leave.

***

I hear voices the loud whispers around the room and I don't open my eyes, I lay there in bed quietly listening to them.

“What do you mean, she needs a heart transplant?” it’s mom’s voice.

“Mary’s in heart failure.”

“But… you said she’s getting better!” Kim’s raising his voice.

“I’m sorry. We’ve put her on the transplant list.”

They’re talking about me, I gasp and I think Kim heard it that’s why he’s by my side so quick, he turns me to face him and I could see the fear in his eyes and I think he could see the horrified look in my face.

My heart is failing. I’m dying.

I let Kim hold and soothe me because I think he needs to, “Shh.. it’s going to be okay. You’re going to be okay. We’ll get you that heart. You’re going to live.”

How can I tell him that I don’t want a new heart? That I want to die? This is what I want. Now, my heart is cooperating with what I want. It gave me an out. I get to be with Louie and they can’t do anything to save me anymore because my heart is failing.

I can’t say that to Kim though. He’s already heartbroken that I’m dying again. I don’t know how many times this man can take this kind of shit in life. I mean, how can he stay still when every time he gets to watch me die over and over again?

I feel sad for him. I wish I could take away the pains that I keep on causing him but I’m a selfish woman. I don’t want him to go anywhere.

***

It’s hard to navigate the house dragging an oxygen tank with you but in order to get out of the hospital, the doctors gave me strict instructions that I must always be ready, we never know when I need the oxygen tank to keep me breathing.

I lean on the wall as I walk towards the study, I need to get the book I bought in Paris with me, it’s a travel book since I can’t travel right now, I will satisfy myself with looking at the photos inside that book.

Just as I’m on the door, I hear mom’s voice and someone else’s on speaker. I stop and my mind tells me to go and turn around, it’s rude to eavesdrop but my body just stop right there.

“I’m paying a lot of money to find a probable flaw in that damn will!”

“I explained to you a hundred times, the will is solid. When she turns 18, she can get access to the money and you can’t anymore.”

“If she dies, the whole estate goes to her brother. Am I right?”

“Not all of it. The court will divide all the assets and I can assure you, the portion your family will get will be small. The government will forfeit everything, the least you can get will be a few millions at best.”

“She really can’t die can she?”

“I’m afraid she cannot. You’ll get more if you contest the will when she turns 21. But as of now, you can’t do anything.”

“She’s dying right now. I will have to call you back, I need to speak with her doctors about the transplant.”

“Okay. I have faxed over the will to you.”

Oh God. I think I may be going to be sick. They were talking about me. I don’t even understand what they were talking about but I get the feeling that it’s about me and money.

I hear footsteps so I quickly run and hide over the alcove, I peek and see mom leaving the study and walking down the corridor with her phone on her ears. Once she’s gone I go to the study and over the fax machine.

There’s nothing there so I walk over the desk and there, I see it. It’s the last will and testament of my grandmother who’s been dead for a decade now.

I read it and my eyes widen in surprise.

I’m the sole benefactor of her assets. I grab the other documents I see in the desk and I read everything. Then that’s all it finally sinks in, I don't know how so don’t ask me but I realize everything mom said over the years—no, over this period of time—has been a lie.

We never got poor. We never lost our fortune because of me.

I sink to the chair feeling defeated and betrayed. The tears fall automatically and I can’t do anything about it because it hurts.

I thought my mom was finally being a mom to me. I thought that after everything, I get to finally have a mom who’s really concern about me, who doesn’t really want me to die.

The only reason she doesn’t want me to die is because if I die she can’t get her hands on the money.

It was never about me. This is all a ruse. Everything has been a lie and I’m in the center of that lie.

I laugh harshly, God, am I really that gullible? I should have known that their concern wasn’t about me at all. When will I learn not to expect things from them?

For crying out loud, they put me in an asylum when I was kid! They left me there because I was different. They never cared about me so why would they now?

God, I’m such a stupid fool.

I rise from the chair and run back to my room, I grab my suitcase and toss a few of my clothes, I walk over my laptop and bought a plane ticket online and print the e-ticket out.

Once I have everything ready, I call for the taxi company and go back to the study. I enter the study and go over the safe, I put the code and open the safe, I grab my passport and cash and stuff it in my backpack.

I exit the study and quietly descend the stairs, I scan for the staff once I know the coast is clear I make my way to the door.

I run to the gate and outside the cab is waiting for me, I open the gate and ride the cab telling him in German to go to the airport.

I don’t look back at the huge estate behind me, everything was a lie and I can’t live the rest of my days living in a lie.

Once I’m at the terminal, I grab my laptop out of my backpack and power it on. I email Lani about our plans about Hong Kong. I tell her that I know we planned to go the week after my birthday but something came up and we need to do it now. I tell her how busy I am and all that crap.

I see Kim’s name on my contact list and I sigh, he’s going to go nuts once he finds out I’m gone. So I click his name to sent him an email.

Ian,
     Well, I left. I don’t want a new heart. So if my heart is failing and I have a few moments to live then I want to spend it with the people who really care about me and not the people who are only in it for the show.
    Don’t go looking for me Ian. I’ll be fine. I only emailed you because I know you’re going to be worried about me but don’t, I’ll be fine. I’ll be with Lani and the others. Go back to Brown, Kim. I’m never coming back to Germany.
   Take care.

I hear the speaker informing about the flight so I put the laptop back on my backpack and I stand.

I don’t look back at the terminal because if I look one more time then I might break down, all the lies they’ve told is slowly breaking me and I can’t let that happen.

I may sound like a hypocrite but I hate liars. I know, I know, I’m also lying to my friends telling them how happy I am right now, how everything is fine with me. But mine is a white lie.


If tell them I’m dying, I won’t get to be with them anymore. I don't get to be free. 

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Fighting Destiny - Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Acting. It’s the one thing that I know helps me get by. If I act that everything is okay then no one will worry over me, no one will look at me with pity. If I act normal then they’d act normal. So that’s what I do.

I act during the day and at night when I’m all alone, I let the real me out and just cry.

***

“So I’m thinking Paris.” I play with the straw from my smoothie.

Kim turns his head and looks at me. “Paris?” he asks, grabs my smoothie and takes a sip from it.

I nod. “Yes, Paris. Let’s go to Paris.” I announce. I lean on the bench and look up to the skies smiling.

He smiles at me, “If that’s what you want then, we’ll go.” He tells me, grabs my hand and squeezes it, “I know things have been hard these past few months but I promise you I’ll make it better.”

I give him a half-smile, I know he will try to make it better, that’s what he does best. I just don’t know if he can make this any better because I don’t know if I ever will feel alive again. If I ever will be grateful and happy that I am alive.

Because right now, all I feel is cold detachment. I’m living but not really living. I’m doing what others want me to do, they want me normal so I’m pretending everything is fine because I’m afraid.

He lets go of my hand and pull his phone out of his pocket, “When do you want to leave?” he asks, I shrug and he nods, he continues to search our ticket through his phone.

After a few minutes, he tells me that we’ll be leaving tomorrow. I give him another smile, I must be really good at acting because he can’t see the truth with my smiles. Or maybe he sees it he just doesn’t want to acknowledge it because it’s better than not speaking at all.

Pretending that everything is alright is better than the fact that I stopped from speaking, so maybe that’s why Kim doesn’t want to tell my bluff. He’d take what he can get. Sometimes, I feel for him. I know he’s hurting because of everything that had happened to me, he’s hurting because he doesn't know this girl I’ve become.

He doesn’t know though, that this is not the new me. What he saw in that hospital was the old me. It’s also the reason why I started speaking again, I feared Kim walking away from me because he now truly saw the broken and damaged girl that I am. So I spoke and acted normal because I’m selfish.

I can’t let Kim walk away, I can’t take it. I can’t take seeing him turning his back on me because if he does then I really will have nothing left to hold on to.

***

“You’re a bad girl.” Dr. Frank admonishes, holding my left arm tightly so he could inject the big needle in me, I don’t cry, I just sit still with my eyes burning with unshed tears.

I try not to wince when the big needle pricks my skin, it hurts but the more I complain the more Dr. Frank will do bad things to me.

After injecting something in me, he lets go of my arm and I brush my arm with my other hand, touching it softly so it won’t hurt anymore. “Paula, Mary’s done here.” Dr. Frank calls over Ms. Paula who’s just staring at the wall, avoiding eye contact.

Ms. Paula nods, walks over me and helps me down the table. She doesn’t smile at me, no one ever does really. We walk out of the white room and outside the waiting area is mommy.

She rises when she sees me and a little part of me jumps out of joy hoping she’d tell me it’s over and we’re going home but she doesn’t, instead she steps towards us, frowns at me then looks at Ms. Paula, “I need to talk to Dr. Frank, is he available?” she asks.

Ms. Paula nods, “He’s inside.” She tells mommy. We start walking away again but I press my feet firm on the ground, Ms. Paula notices and halts, “Come on Mary, we need to get you back to your room.” She tells me with the cold voice of hers.

I shake my head, turns my head to mommy who’s looking at me weirdly, I plead with my eyes, begging her to see me and take me home with her.

Mommy turns her back on me and starts toward the white room I just left.

Ms. Paula kneels down on me and gives me a chiding look, “This is home, Mary.”

I shake my head even knowing she  is probably right. I just want my mommy.

“Do you want to go back to Dr. Frank, Mary?”

I give her an alarming look, I don't want to go back there. Dr. Frank is bad. I shake my head frantically and I let her drag me back to the small gray room they assigned me at since mommy and daddy brought me here.

***

I wake up with a start, another nightmare. I bury my face to my pillow to smother the cry that I know would come eventually and when it does, I let it happen because this is all I can ever do.

I cry for having to pretend I’m okay and I cry because of the nightmares.

It hurts, why does it always hurts?

When I’m done crying, I hop out of bed and walk towards the bathroom to wash my face from the tears. I flash my face with cold water and stare at myself at the mirror, my eyes are fluffy and my nose is red. My face shows the horror I’ve just dreamed about and it needs to go away.

I breathe deeply and walk out of the bathroom and out of my room, I need to go to the one place I feel safe from. So I walk down the scary corridors of the house and when in front of the room, I turn the knob and the door opens, he never unlocks his door because he knows I’ll come here.

I enter the room and the dim light coming from the lampshades help me navigate my way to his bed, I hop to the bed, slides my body to the duvet and burrows my face in his chest.

He pulls me close and holds me tight. “Night Mary.” He just murmurs because he knows I won’t talk to him about it, he knows there’s something keeping me awake every night but he doesn’t press on because like I said, I won’t tell him.

Telling him would be a mistake, he’d leave me once he’s learn all the bad things about me, once he’s learn I’m bad. I’m evil.

Kim is the only person I need if I have to go on living in this godforsaken world.

I wrap my arms around him, “Don’t ever leave me, Ian, please.” I tell him.

He stills but then his hold tightens, “Didn’t I promise you before that I won’t? I won’t ever leave you Mary. Nothing will make me leave you.” he promises, kisses me on my head and says, “Just trust me, I’ll never leave your side.”

But he will. Someday. When he’s grown tired of keeping me and watching over my crazy, he’d leave. I know what he wants, he wants me to share everything to him, he knows there’s a lot I’m keeping from him and he wants me to trust him enough to tell him.

I do trust him. But sometimes, even trusting a person can be the greatest mistake one can ever do. If I tell him, he’d leave me. He’d run.

“I love you.”

I know he does, I’m just afraid that the moment he learns all the horrible things of my past he’d stop loving me. Everyone does eventually. Mom and dad did. Only Louie loved me unconditionally even knowing there’s something dark about me.

***

Kim tosses our luggage at the back of the car and opens the front door for me, “After you, milady.”

I smile and jump inside the car, I watch as he circles back to the driver’s seat and jumps right in. “Are we going to make it on the train?” I ask.

He grins at me, “Of course. You’re talking to one of the fastest racers in town.”

I smack his arm playfully, “Cocky bastard.” I say as he hits on the gas pedal and we drive off.

I fix my hat as the wind blows. I smile and close my eyes. In a few minutes or so, we’re going to be boarding a train to Paris and in Paris, I can finally breathe without having mom look at me warily as if she knows I’ll breakdown.

I’ll be free from her and everything. I’ll be away from Germany. It’ll be me and Kim.


This is what I need. I need to breathe.

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Fighting Destiny - Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Waking up means second chance. Waking up means you have another day with life, another day to do the same mistake or right the mistake you’ve done the last day. That is why I hate it so much. To me, waking up means another day full of pain and sufferings, another day that I have no control over everything.

I hate it so much and every night I pray to God, to the Heavens above for me to sleep eternally.

***

I stare at the ceiling of my room, my hands are still tied to the bed and the nurses are keeping their eye out on me, waiting for the next meltdown. They are all waiting.

I too am waiting. The only difference is that I’m waiting for death to resurface again. For the fifth time, death has failed to do its job to take me. Damn death. Damn everyone else who wouldn’t let me die, who wouldn’t want my sufferings to end.

Damn them.

I feel the hot burning in my eyes and I swallow to keep them from falling, tears won’t do anything anymore. They just do damage just like always.

I wish they had let me die, I wish they had let the damn machine to go off. Because I can’t live like this anymore. I don’t want to live anymore.

My eyes get blurry and I remember the day when everything in me just broke.

***

My throat hurt—no my whole body hurt—I looked around the room, was this the other side? Why did it look like a hospital room? And why did my body ached all over again? I thought, you didn’t feel anything when you died? 

So why was I feeling everything?

I heard voices just outside the room, maybe I could stand up and walk around, maybe I’d find Louie. Where was he exactly? Didn’t he say he would wait for me on the other side? So why wasn’t he here?

Then the door opened and I knew then. I didn’t die. Kim’s face was the evidence of it all and I hated it so much.

“GET OUT!” I yelled. I didn’t know why I was yelling, maybe because I was alive! “Get out!” I repeated over and over again.

Kim hesitantly ran toward me and tried to soothe me, I shove his hand away. “Mary, take it easy. You’re still recovering.”

I shook my head, looked at him with tears desperately falling. “Why? Why did you let me live?”

He looked ashen. “Mary. Please.” He pleaded, now he looked scared and I didn’t understand why.

“I trusted you to make the right decision. I told you in my letter that I want to die. Why? Why can’t you let me die?”

“Because I love you!”Kim snapped. “I can’t give up the way you did. One of us should still fight! So I fought for you!”

I shook my head, everything hurt. Not just my body anymore but also everything inside me. “Then you’re the selfish one.” I told him. I looked at him only to see shock and hurt in his eyes. “If you truly thought of me then you would have let me die. You were only thinking of yourself because if you thought of me, you’d understand why I didn’t want to live.” I cried.

He didn’t say anything, he just looked at me with pain and I knew he wanted to say something, he just didn’t know what else to say. How to rebuff what I just told him because he knew I was right.

He was selfish. All of them were.

Then I just broke down. I didn’t know what happened, I just did. I cried and screamed. Hating the world, hating them all. Until my mom got enough or the doctors did.

They scheduled me for a psychiatric evaluation. The whole dam broke the moment mom told me about it.

“I’m not crazy!”

Mom didn’t look at me. She stared at the window then spoke lightly. “I’m not saying you are. You’ve been under a lot of stress and we just want you to be okay.”

“No, you just don’t want to admit that everything you pretended to be okay is not okay. You want to make sure I’m not psychotic because then you’d regret not washing your hands off me a long time ago.”

Mom then turned her head at me, looking at me wide eyed. She was surprised with the words I just said because this would be the first time I lashed out on her with the past. Then her composure regained, she glared at me. “Stop rehashing the past. You’re okay. You’re not some psycho.”

I wanted to ask her, who was she convincing, herself or me. I knew the answer though, she was convincing herself because if she admitted that I wasn’t okay then she’d think they made a mistake a long time ago.

I let the tears fall as I remembered the five year old me. The miserable little girl and I compared that girl to the girl I was now. I knew then they’d made a mistake just like how they made a mistake now for letting me live. “You should have let me die mom. I begged you in my letter to let me die. Do you truly hate me that much that the one request I have for you, you didn’t even care to fulfill?” I cried as I looked at her with so much pain in my eyes. “Why can’t you just let me die in peace? Why do you have to torture me?”

She looked at me the way she used to look at me when I was a child. She was scared of me again and she thought of me as crazy. “That’s ridiculous. Why do you want to die when you have a full life ahead of you?” she stared back at the window then sighed. “You’re alive and you’re okay.” She said. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” She walked out of my room without a second glance.

“I’m not okay.” I murmured.

She never came back the next day or the next.

***
The door opens and Dr. Collins barges in. She looks at me then at my hands. She gives me a tight smile then proceeds toward me, she frees my hand and I give her a grateful smile.

She sits down at the chair beside my bed and looks at me. “You’re not okay.” She states.

I nod. Because it’s the truth. I’m not okay. Which is why they had to restrain me last night, I had a nightmare last night, and it was just some old nightmare from my childhood days starring Dr. Frank.

One of my least favorite people who always showed up to my nightmares.

“And you don’t want to be okay.”

I nod again; I don’t want to be okay, what’s the use of being okay when everything is messed up? When all I want is to die?

“Ian is beside himself with worry. You won’t let him in. He’s hurting Mary.” Dr. Collins tells me, I don’t say anything, I know she wants me too. She sighs. “I know you’re hurting too Mary but you just can’t shut everyone out. You can be angry at the world, at everyone; just don’t keep it bottled up.”

I shrug, I can shut everyone out if that’s what I want. I don’t need them. I don’t need them, they’re all selfish. This is their entire fault, it’s their fault why I am hurting still. It’s their fault back then and it’s still is their fault now.

Everything is their fault. Every fucked up in my life is their fault—my family’s fault—and I don't know how to pretend that it’s not anymore.

“Talk to me Mary.”

But I don’t. I know why she’s here, I stopped from talking a week ago and they thought if they bring Dr. Collins here, I’d talk to her.

I don’t know why I stopped talking really. I just found myself one day being tired of speaking, they won’t hear me so why bother speaking again? I told myself it was just for a day but then it turned days.


It’s easier this way. This way, I won’t get disappointed that no one hears me. 

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Fighting Destiny - Chapter 6

Chapter 6

In a battle between life and death, the only important weapon you have to have is the will to fight. Honestly if you don’t have it then it’s really fighting a losing battle. No one can fight your battles for you; you have to do it on your own. Otherwise, you might as well be dead.

***

Tired.

I’m tired. Not just physically but also mentally. Kim and I are fighting or he’s having a fight with me. We want different things now, I think he’s known it for a while and now that I’ve shown him what I truly want he just can’t accept it.

I know it’s hard for him, he doesn’t know it but it’s hard for me too. Earlier today, he called me selfish. Why is it selfish to just give up? I don’t understand, maybe I do. I know he doesn’t want me to die, he wants me to live, isn’t he selfish too? He wants me to live because he loves me, it’s not because of me but because of him.

Why can’t he understand that I’m tired? If he truly loves me then he should understand that I just don’t have it in me anymore, I never had it in the first place. I tried, God knows I tried to live for him, for everyone else, I chose to live for them. And God, it’s trying. It’s suffocating.

And I just want to choose for myself this time. I want to die. For me dying is living. Maybe I am selfish but God, don’t I deserve to be selfish after the life I’ve been given?

I cough and I stop from writing. I stare at the stationary, I’ve only written four sentences. I don’t really know what to say to Kim in this letter. I want him to understand but it’s hard to form the words my heart wants to say.

I cough harder this time, I reach for the cup on the bedside table, and I take a sip from it. I choke, the coughing doesn’t stop and with my shaking hands, I reach for the button in my bedside.

The nurse comes in quickly, she slides away the table, reclines my bed and then goes for my IV, she controls the fluid flow and she looks back at me. “How are you feeling?” she asks with the very hard German accent.

I cough again. I try to speak but my throat hurts and I shake my head to her.

She nods understanding, she presses her hand to my forehead and frowns. “You shouldn’t be up. Rest sweetie. Your surgery is tomorrow.” She tells me and when she sees that I’m settled in my bed, she nods and walks out.

I turn my head towards the window, I had a high fever a few days earlier, I was unconscious for two days, I was being monitored in case of pneumonia, doctors said if I have pneumonia I might not make it.

My body is still weak from the fever and then there’s the fight with Kim. He saw that I lost my will to fight. He saw it the moment I woke up. He couldn’t accept it though.

Five minutes after Nurse Amara left my room, I push myself up and pull the desk closer to me, and I stare at the blank page and sigh. I still don't know what to write. Maybe I just have to wing it. So I let my hand control it and start writing.

Ian,
            I’m sorry.
            I’m sorry you have to go through all of this because of me. I’m sorry for everything, I’m sorry for always hurting and pushing you away but most of all I’m sorry for being selfish.
            I’m sorry. I know my apology will not make anything better, I know it will hurt still but I need to say it. I need you to know that I am sorry. I’m sorry for not fighting anymore, I am just tired of it all Kim. I’m so tired and I just want to close my eyes and never open it again.
            I’m scared Kim, I am. I’m scared of dying but I’m ready for it Kim. I don't know what’s on the other side, all I know is that if I cross that line, there will be no pain anymore. Kim, all my life, I’ve been in pain and just for once—for the last time—I want to end it.
            I know you probably don’t understand, I’ve never been forthcoming with my past with you, I know you’ve always wondered but never dared to ask. I’m not writing this to spill the gory details of my childhood Kim, let’s just say it’s not pretty as it should have been.
            Pain has always been a constant companion of mine Kim. It never left me and the more time passes by, the more it starts to consume me. I hate it and by hating it, I started to hate myself even more for failing not to have a solution to make it go away. It’s not just the pain though, pain comes with three more companions: insecurity, self-loathing and let’s not forget darkness.
            I have so many flaws Kim but the worst of it all is darkness. I can’t explain it well, you don't understand what I’m saying, do you? I don’t understand it too but darkness has always been there. It’s the one who trips me on purpose so I go stumbling down.
            I’m just tired of it all, you know? I always tried to stand up when the four of my constant companion pushed me, it’s just trying and the more I stumble, the more it hurt. I don’t want to feel anymore.
            So please let me be. Please understand why I have lost my will to fight. I never had it Ian. I tried because everyone—you most especially—wanted me to fight. I wanted so bad to fight because I know how much it meant to you. And for all of the horrible things that I did, I just wanted to do one thing that could make you happy.
            I’ll do the surgery because that’s what you want, I’ll do it because I promised you that I would and this last time, I want to fulfill my promise, this promise because we both know, I won’t be fulfilling any promises I made with you. I can only grant you this one.
            When I die Ian, I need you to let go of me. Don’t hold on to my memories. I know it would hurt but don’t let the pain swallow you, you need to move past it. My death isn’t the end of the world. You need to understand that, you have a bright future ahead of you and you need to walk towards it. Don’t be like me who’s still stuck with the past. You asked me before not to be stuck with the past, so I’m asking you now. Don’t get stuck in it. Let go of me. Let go, just let go and all will be well.
            Yeah, I know, how should I know that it would be well? But I just know it will be. So please, let go. I don’t want you to be always in pain Ian. And if you don’t let go of me, I’m afraid you’ll always be in pain.
            I have always hurt you, I have always brought you pain and I just don’t want that even in death, I’m still the one hurting you.
           It will be hard at first, you have the right to be angry, to hate me. Let it out, let it all out and after it, I can’t guarantee it would be better, I hope it would. But keeping it in isn’t the best solution.
            You can have time to mourn but don’t you dare spend your lifetime mourning after me. I don’t deserve that kind of dedication, I’m horrible.
            I’m sorry and I hope one day you will forgive me for giving up.
            Oh my God. All this rambling and I forgot to tell you the most important thing of all.
            Thank you.
            Thank you for coming into my life. Thank you for never leaving my side no matter how many times I tried to push you away. Thank you for being my best friend. And most importantly, thank you for loving me. I don’t deserve it but you gave it nonetheless so thank you. I might not always show that I’m grateful for that love but I am.
            I’m happy that you loved me. I’m happy that in my life, there had been two people who showed me what unconditional love really was. It was the most beautiful thing in the world.
            I will not regret anything when I die because I got to know and feel the unconditional love that always seemed like a fantasy to me.
            Thank you.
            Please be happy Ian. I would feel much better if I know that you will be. I’ll watch over you Kim, always.
Always,
Mary.

I read the letter one more time before folding it and putting it inside the envelope. Once safely inside, I seal it and address it to Kim. I smile ruefully as I trace the envelope with my fingers.

Now, it’s done, I only need to think on how to give it to Kim without him throwing a fit that I’m pretty sure he would. I’m even afraid he won’t take it. Maybe I could place it on the pocket of his coat tomorrow before the surgery so I won’t have to deal with him.

That decided, I set it aside and flip my laptop open. It’s time to say goodbye to my friends. So I write them a letter that I’ll be sending to Kim’s email, he’d know what to do once he sees it.

I stare at the screen biting my lips; I have no idea how to start this letter. I close my eyes and tell myself that no matter what I should do this, I must write and tell them goodbye myself.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from everything that had happened in my life, everyone deserves a goodbye. It’s a form of closure everyone needs. And closure, I’ll give them.

***

Kim holds my hand as tight as he can, I can see he’s scared and how I wish I could ease it but I know I can’t, the words that he longs to hear are not the words I could utter. Because I won’t lie especially now that my time is running.

I don’t want to lie anymore.

I squeeze his hands and smile wanly at him then I pull my hand away, he tries to grab it back but I shake my head. I turn my head around my pillow, slide my hand below it and grab the envelope underneath it.

I realize that I should be giving this to Kim personally. He deserves it more than anything, I can’t take the cowardly ways even for my last hours in this world.

I hand him the envelope, he frowns at it then look at me with his brow furrowed. “What’s this?”

“Read it when…” Should I tell him to read it when I’m dead? That just doesn’t sound right. So I opt to the next thing that I could think of. “Read it when you’re ready.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” he glares at me but he takes it nonetheless.

I shrug. “It’s a letter Kim. Read it anytime you want to.” I tell him.

He’s about to say something when the doctors come in and greet us. He slips the letter inside his pocket and then listens as the doctors explain the procedure for today.

I tune them out because I don’t truly care for what will happen today, I just care about the outcome of it. They seem to be optimistic about it but I’m not. I know death is near, I feel it.

***

When it’s time to be wheeled to the OR, everyone is inside my room, telling me good luck and all of that nonsense. Kim doesn’t leave my side and holds my hands firmly. The nurse says it’s time so everyone leaves except Kim.

I look at him, really look at him because I know this will be my last time looking at those eyes full of love. I smile at him. “Thank you.”

He shakes his head, he leans down and kisses me on my forehead, he lingers his lips on my forehead then whispers. “I love you, please come back.”

I have no time to answer because the one of the doctors and Nurse Amara come in and say it’s time to go which I’m grateful for. I don’t know what to say to Kim anymore.

Slowly I let go of Kim’s hand and I smile at him wishing he’d see in my eyes how much his love means to me, how much grateful I am with him for coming into my life when I needed him most.

As I am being wheeled to the OR, I can’t help but feel death beside me, it’s a weird feeling. It’s cold and unfeeling. I should be scared that death is just right beside me, should miss the warmth but I don’t.

I welcome death with all my heart for I know that after death has taken be, I will be with Louie in a world with no pain and sufferings.


I smile as the anesthesiologist asks me to count to ten backwards. As I count backwards, my eyelids feel heavy, I let them close, and there’s nothing else but darkness.