Fighting Destiny Chapter 12

Chapter 12

Pride. There’s a reason why pride is one of the seven deadly sins, it’s because the more proud you become the more the distance you put between yourself and others until there’s a huge gap that you can never fill. And once you realize it, it’s too late.

***

I smile as I watch as Crystal roams her eyes over the field, I’m amazed with it too and quite frankly the instant my eyes landed the field, I fell even deeper in love with this university.

Crystal is my closest friend right now, she knows everything and when I say everything, I mean it. Well okay, not everything but you get my meaning. We’ve only been friends for over a few months I think. I met her in Wattpad—you know the site where you can read and write stories—yeah, we met there and we hit it off.

And now, she’s here with me and Kim in Yale University. We’ve been campus touring for a while now, we’ve been on five Ivy Leagues Universities. I guess when I told Kim that I wanted to continue my studies, it also meant to him that I wanted to live. So now, he’s dead set on leading this campus tour even when I told him Yale is my choice. It’s always been Yale for me.

I don’t know but since I was a little girl and my Uncle Aaron started telling me stories about his time in Yale, how beautiful Yale was and those amazing stories it helped me somehow. I didn’t get to have bedtime stories, my parents never saw fit to give me a little of their time to tell me bedtime stories so Uncle Aaron’s stories became my bedtime stories. I used to think to dab it as Uncle AA and his adventure at Yale.

Uncle Aaron gave me his Yale sweatshirt and told me that it keeps the monsters out. I wore it and sometimes, it did keep the monsters out but when it didn’t, I realized that maybe the powers of the sweatshirt didn't work that way, maybe I needed to get my own so I promised myself that I’d get my own sweatshirt. And I promised Uncle Aaron that I’d go to Yale just like him.

Uncle Aaron, he wasn’t like them. He wasn’t mean and cruel. He was my aunt’s husband and I never saw what I always saw in my aunt’s eyes with him. He just looked at me with those sweet eyes of his.

I guess since then, a part of me wonders why can a person not a blood relation to me can look at me and not see the bad my family seems to see every time they look at me. I would laugh at the irony, I mean my family whom I share a blood can never love me, can never accept when and then there’s this set of people who I don’t share a blood with that accept me for who I am.

“Oh my God, Mary. Just think when there’s a game this field will be full of hot guys. Jeez. It’s going to be hot! And oh wow, they will be on their uniform that really squeezes the ass!” Crystal exclaims still looking at the field with such excitement.

I chuckle, Crystal like others, is well boy-crazy. “I know.”

She turns to me, “We’re going to have so much fun here Mary!”

I turn away from her and I look straight ahead with a sad smile, I want to be here with Crystal too, I just know we’re really going to have so much fun here, so many happy memories but I’m still dying and I’m not even sad about the dying part.

I welcome it. And that’s just well… sad.

She places her hand over my arm and squeezes it, “Come on, let’s go back to Kim before he marches up here.” She says and we both walk away from the field. We go back to the building where we left Kim.

The last we left him, he was talking to a professor he met during one of those seminars and they were talking about boring stuffs. So Crystal and I left him alone with the professor.

***

I’m back at the hotel we’re staying at, I got tired with all the things we did and so I had Kim and Crystal drop me off back to the hotel. Kim wanted to stay with me but I told him to accompany Crystal, so he went reluctantly.

The chair I’m sitting right now feels so comfortable, it feels like it’s hugging me, so I snuggle closer to it and read. This is nice, sitting here curled up and just reading a good book. So peaceful.

I don’t know how long I’ve been asleep with the book still down in my lap, I close the book and then I startle when I see Kim sitting across me and watching me. I put my hands on my chest, “You startled me.” I accuse.

“Sorry.” He mumbles. He rises from the seat, steps closer to me, pulls me up, sits at my chair and then pulls me to his lap. He buries his head in my neck and somehow I feel that he needs me to hold him so I do.

I wrap my arms around him, “What’s wrong?”

He shakes his head, he then pulls away from me and stares at me with sadness in his eyes. What happened? “I’m sorry.”

“For what?” I ask nervously.

“I couldn’t convince them. Someone’s blocking your admission.”

I still, “Anong ibig sabihin nun?” I ask even when I know what it really means, it only means I will not be accepted in Yale. And I even guess who that someone is. There’s only one person who is an alumni and fast friends with the dean and hates me. I mean really loathes me. The kind of loathing that even I don’t understand.

“Yale is not going to accept you next year. I tried Mary, I really did. I used my name, I offered to donate but someone’s pulling some strings.”

I nod, I know he tried, Kim only wants what’s best for me. He wants me happy and he knows Yale could make me happy, might even make me try to live. His only purpose is to make me happy, to protect me. That’s how he is.

I hug him and close my eyes, “It’s okay. I can always be with you in Brown.” But still I feel sad. Yale has always been my dream, when I was a child I thought of Yale and I’d feel okay after a horrible day. I’d thought of Uncle Aaron’s stories and I’d feel okay and motivated.

Others think Disneyland is the happiest place on Earth, for me however, it’s Yale. I think of Yale and I’d be happy.

“No. It’s not okay. Yale is your dream and I won’t let those bastards take that away from you.” He says, “I’ll go call mom, she’d help.”

I shake my head and smile sadly at him, “Aunt Sachi can’t do anything, Ian. The person who’s blocking my admission? She’s my Aunt Delores and she’s friends with the dean.”

Kim furrows his brows in confusion, I could see his head turning and he asks, “If she’s your aunt then why doesn’t she want you here in Yale?”

“Because she hates me. She never really liked me. Hindi ko nga alam kung bakit galit na galit siya sa akin. She wants me miserable, she knows I love Yale and she will trample. She’s that cruel.”

Aunt Delores, she was Uncle Aaron’s wife, she holds deep loathing with me. I don’t know why, while others in my family started hiding their hatred with me, she didn’t. She never hide it and my parents, they never did something to make her stop from torturing me.

“That’s why the assistant of the dean said they’d be willing to reconsider if you’d have dinner with her.” Kim says suddenly, he looks at me and nods, “Let’s go to that dinner. Let’s talk to your aunt.”

It is as if he didn’t hear me telling him that Aunt Delores hates me. “Ian.” I start, “I won’t go to dinner with her. I know what she wants. She wants to see me beg. And I won’t do it.”

“Mary, it’s Yale. Don’t let your pride step in the way to the one thing you’ve always dreamed of.”

I stand then, I glare at him, “You want me to beg her?” I ask incredulously, “Kahit kailan hindi ko gagawin yan.” I see the look he’s giving me so I snap, “Ou alam ko ma-pride ako. Alam ko yun!”

“Then for once in your life, step aside your pride and just go to that fucking dinner!” he stands facing me with his hard eyes.

“You don't know what you’re asking me, Kim. Hindi mo alam kung gaano kaimportante sa akin yung pride ko.”

“Why is it so damn important when you’re about to lose Yale?”

“Because that’s all I have Kim!” I yell, “Yung pride ko, hinding hindi nila makukuha sa akin yun, they can take everything away but they can’t take my dignity. Kim, lumaki ako na walang nagmamahal sa akin, lumaki ako na lagi nalang nasasaktan at yung pride ko lang yung meron ako. Wag mong hilingin na ibaba ko yun dahil Kim pag ginawa ko yun, ano pang matitira sa akin?” I tell him, his eyes soften but I can still see he doesn’t understand it fully.

“Stop it! You have more than pride!”

“Hindi mo kasi naiintidihan Kim. Sabagay lumaki kang masaya, lumaki ka sa isang pamilya na puno ng pagmamahal, kaya siguro hindi mo kayang maintindihan. You don't know how hard it is to keep on standing up every time they push you down. You don't know how painful it is to let them walk all over you. You don't know how hard and painful it is to hide my emotions, to cry silently in the middle of the night alone." I let the tears fall and I sit at the edge of the table, I look up to him, “You don't know how it is to be alone Kim.”

“You had Louie.”

“Louie wasn’t always there Kim. He can’t always protect me from them, God knows he tried but he couldn’t. And neither can you Ian. Don’t try because in the end, we will be the one who will get hurt. You haven’t seen the real side of my family, they hide it well but if you fight them, they will fight back and Kim they don’t fight fair.”

He kneels down, cups my face and says, “I just want you happy.”

“I know. But I don’t need Yale to be happy Ian.”

“Then what is it that can make you happy?” he asks.

I look away and shrug, “I think we both know what would.”

He is still trying to deny it, to deny that death would make me happy. He doesn’t want to admit it. Doesn’t want to acknowledge it but he knows. He knows it. He just can’t accept it.

“I wish I could give you want you truly want but I am a selfish man, Mary. I can’t lose you. I won’t lose you.”

He’s not selfish. He never is selfish. I am the selfish one here. Not him, never him. But always me.

Fighting Destiny Chapter 11

Chapter 11

Parents. They're supposed to love you unconditionally. They’re supposed to keep the monsters out. They’re supposed to be the saviors. They’re never supposed to be the villains. They’re never supposed to be the monsters that starred in your nightmare.

***

“What the hell were you thinking running away like that?” Kim asks angrily, his knuckles turn white as he closes his fists so tight fighting the anger off.

“I wasn’t thinking! I just wanted to run away from life!” I tell him, it’s the truth, the moment I learned about my mother’s lies, I wasn’t thinking of anything, except that I needed to go. And that was what I did.

“WELL YOU CAN’T!” he bellows.

“I know that!” I yell back, “Do you think I don’t know that? That’s why I’m so tired, Kim. Every time I try to run, life catches back with me. I know that. And for the last time Kim, I want to be happy before it catches me.”

Kim comes closer to me, “Let’s come back to Frankfurt. You need the transplant.” He pleads with me.

“I… I can’t Kim.” I tell him, “I’m tired of it all. I just want to…”

“Don’t you dare say it.” He warns, his eyes full of anger again.

“Die.” I finish off.

He steps back and then slams his fist to the table. I flinch. I stare at him as he tries to calm himself down. Then once he’s done, he looks back at me with sudden determination, “No. We will leave as soon as the jet refuels.”

“Ian, I said no.”

“NO!” he shouts, “I won’t let you die. I love you and I won’t watch you die. I just can’t.”

So I do what I always do when we hit a dead end. “Then leave.” I watch as his body stills but I continue, “I’m not asking you to stay. I don’t even want you to stay. You invaded my time with my friends so now leave.”

“Mary.”

I shake my head and turn away from him, I don’t want to look at him anymore. The more I look at him, the more I see the pain I’ve caused him. And right now, he even looks like hell.

“Ian, please just leave.”

“I can’t. Please Mary, let’s go back.”

“I don’t want to Kim. Don’t make me go back there.” I tell him, I’m sure he heard the tremor in my voice and right now, I don’t care anymore. “Germany is full of lies. I can’t stand it. I can’t pretend that everything is okay when it’s not. I can’t look at my own mother past all the lies she told. Because Ian, I don’t want to hate them. I don’t want to die with me hating them. So don’t ask me to go back in Germany because I can’t.”

This is the first time that I didn’t lie to him. All I said is the truth. I don’t want to go back there because if I do, I’m sure I’d hate them again and I’m past hating them. I’m better than that now. Or at least, I like to think that I am.

Kim shakes his head in confusion, “Mary, I don’t understand.”

Of course, he doesn’t. He doesn't know about what I learned in Germany, damn it, he doesn’t even know my whole childhood life. I think it’s time to tell him part of it though. Even when I dread that he might leave when he finds out.

Well, it’s not like I’m going to tell him the whole of it. I’d be crazy if I tell him that.

“Do you want to know the truth about my parents?” I ask him even when I know the answer.

“Yes.”

So I motion him to sit at the sofa, when he does, I walk towards him and sit beside him. I exhale and start my tale, “Dad cheated on my stepmother. My father is an unfaithful bastard, my mother is a selfish-heartless bitch and my stepmother is a cold unforgiving martyr.” I look at him and I see the denial but I nod my head as to tell him it’s the truth. “Dad was never going to leave mama even when Kuya was born. Yung sinasabi ko na hiwalay na si dad kay mama nung pinanganak si Kuya? Kasinungalingan yun. Sila pa ni mama nun. Walang plano si dad na i-annul yung kasal niya kay mama para pakasalan si mom.” I continue, “You see, my dad wanted the best of both worlds. Why choose one when he can have the two?” I say with bitterness, “But mom? Well, she wasn’t going to accept that. She didn’t want the world to know that Kuya is a bastard. So she seduced him again and again. Then I came along.” I start playing with my fingers just so I can concentrate on telling him this ugly truth, “Mom was already taking something then, she didn’t want to be pregnant again. But when she realized that she was pregnant, she stopped. She thought of a solution. She used me as an ultimatum. Tinakot niya si dad na pag hindi nito hiniwalayan si mama, ipapalaglag niya ako. Ininom pa nga niya sa harap ni dad yung pampalaglag na binili niya si Quiapo. And dad finally caved in.” I tighten my fists, telling everything I heard before is harder than I thought it would be. Telling him comes with the pain and right now I’m in so much pain. Just remembering it. But I continue because I need to, “You see, I was the means to an end. Mama hated mom and me so much because we took dad away from her. She could accept Kuya but never me because she would always see me as the reason why dad left her. She’s an unforgiving wretch. Do you know how many times I have to endure whatever hurtful things she said in my way? Do you know how much it hurts being hated by everyone in your family just because you ruined everything? I never did anything wrong except being born into this world and yet, they hated me so much.”

“That’s not true, you know that right? They adore you.” Kim says, he turns my face to him and brushes the tears. “They love you.”

I shake my head, “Stop looking at the world through rose-colored glasses. They hate me.” I say. “If you just look close enough, you’d see through all their acts. Everything is not true Ian. It’s all a lie.”

“How can that be Mary? It’s just not possible.” He shakes his head in disbelief.

“You weren’t there. You never grew up with them. Hindi mo naranasan yung mga naranasan ko nung bata palang ako. Hindi mo narinig yung mga narinig ko, yung mga bagay na hindi ko naman dapat marinig, narinig ko lahat yun. Mom tries to hide the fact that she doesn’t love me and sometimes, I applaud her for her great act. Ang galing kasi niyang umarte na minsan na kakalimutan ko na rin. God, I even bought her lies and thought she truly cared about me. But look what I found out. It was all a lie.” I close my eyes, shielding him with the pain in my eyes. “Dad hated me too because I took away his choice. But he had a choice. He could have let mom kill me and everything would be fine. At hindi ko mararanasan lahat ng sakit na dinulot nila sa akin. Si mama? She hated me so much and she never tried to hide it. Okay, she did but only when there’s an audience. Pero kahit anong pilit niyang tago pag may ibang tao, lumalabas at lumalabas parin yung galit niya sa akin. Kasi alam mo, kahit anong gawin ko, kahit anong mangyari hindi niya ako mapapatawad sa isang bagay na wala naman akong kontrol. Kasi kung kontrolado ko lang naman yung mga bagay, edi pinilit ko nalang mamatay sa loob ni mom. Kung alam ko lang na sobra sobrang sakit ang mararamdaman ko, dapat pinatay ko nalang yung sarili ko nung nasa loob palang ako ni mom. Kasi sobrang hirap at sakit Kim, wala naman akong ginawang mali pero nagbabayad parin ako sa isang bagay na wala akong kontrol. Kahit kailan hindi nila ako mapapatawad at magagawang mahalin. I will never be good enough for them to love me. I’m unlovable.” I give him a strained smile. “They don’t need me, they only need me to be alive because again I’m the means to their end. They need the fortune my grandmother left me and to gain that, they need me alive. And this time, Kim, I have control over things.”

He suddenly pulls me to his arms, he embraces me tightly and I let him because when he holds me like this, I feel I am not alone. Just for a second I feel I’m going to be okay. “Don’t do it Mary.” He says, he really knows me well that he knows what I’m going to do. “You don’t need to die to make a point.”

I pull away and cup his face, “I’m not just doing this because of that Kim. I’m doing this because right there on the other side is Louie. The only person who loved me and showed me that life isn’t that gray.”

“I’m here.” He chokes, “I love you.”

“And I wish that could be enough Ian. But it isn’t. Louie. He was the only one who tried to save me.”

“Then let me save you! I can do that! He’s not just the only one who can. If you let me, I will protect you.”

I smile at him, I trace his face with my fingers, “You’ve always protected me Kim. It’s just not enough to save me. You can’t save me, it’s a lost cause.” I tell him because it’s true. It is a lost cause. How can one fix an utterly broken and damaged girl? Answer is, he can’t.

He gazes in to my eyes, he’s searching for something, I try to look away for fear he might see something but he turns my head to face him again. He stills for a moment, I guess he found out what he was searching for, I just don’t know what he found. I fear though, it might be horrifying. “What did they do to you?” he whispers.

Ah… that question. There’s a million answers to his question. But I guess, when you sum it all up, it leads back to the thing that caused me to be this. A broken damaged girl.

“They put me on a psychiatric facility.”

Fighting Destiny Chapter 10

Chapter 10

Birthdays, sometimes we make a big deal out of it. Why? Well, it signifies our growth not just physically, no, but well everything. We mature, it signifies the stages we hit in life. We evolve. That’s why people make a big deal out of birthdays because they want to celebrate the years they’ve embarked on this world. They want to celebrate to tell the world they’ve lived.

Well mine is different. I don’t celebrate my birthdays because I want to showcase to everyone that I’ve lived. No. I celebrate it because it reminds me that there was a time in my life that was hidden from the rest of the world. The time when no one even remembered I existed.

***

I sigh and stare longingly at the window, I wonder when will I be able to go out of the house. Mommy forgot my birthday and they left me alone. I will not cry mommy brings me back to Dr. Frank whenever I make her worry.

I don’t like Dr. Frank, he’s a bad man and he makes me do bad things too. He pricks needle in my arms. I cringe when I remember he used to lock me in my room, it was so dark and he told me there was a monster underneath my bed. I didn’t cry because I knew it would make him mad.

I squint my eyes when I see a figure sneaking in the garden, I scoot closely to the window glass and smile when the figure turns out to be Louie. He waves frantically and I wave back shyly. He mimes a door, turns the knob and points at my back.

I turn my head around and then back to Louie giving him a quizzical look. My door is always open, mommy forbids my door to be close, and she says it’s not safe. Louie knows that.

He sighs exasperated and mimes slamming the door and mouths bang.

“Oh.” I nod, jump of the window seat, run towards the door, peek the corridor and when I see no one, I quietly shut the door. As I walk back to the window, I see Louie dragging a lawn chair, I run quickly and shake my head frantically. He can’t do that, the staff will notice, they notice everything and when they know something’s up, they’re going to tell mommy and daddy, and Dr. Frank will come and take me away again.

He just shakes me off with his boyish laughter and stands over the chair, he taps my window and I smile and slide the window open, “Happy birthday.” He grins.

My smile widens, “You remember.”

He huffs, takes off his shoes and enters my room. I watch as he runs to my bed and grabs one of the teddy bear, he lays it down my bed and covers it with the blanket. He walks back to me and offers me his hand, I take his hand and he drags me to the door.

“What are you doing?” I ask.

“Shh..” he shushes me then slowly opens the door, he scans the corridor and he makes a run towards the front door with me trailing behind him. I smile once we’re outside, he opens the gate and we run out of the house.

I laugh as we run towards the playground.

When we reach the playground, I see four girls at the fountain, we walk towards them, the girl with a braided hair squeals and I hide behind Louie, “Louie.” I say cautiously.

He turns to me and squeezes my hand, “Relax, they’re my friends.” He steps aside and make introductions, “Girls, this is Mary. Mary, the girls.”

I look at the four girls, I know the girl with a cute headband, she’s always playing with Skye. “Hi.” I squeak and wave shyly.

The girl with the headband broadens her smile, “I’m Pat.” she introduces herself, “This is Lani, Elle and Cass.” She points to the other girls.

I smile at them as they smile back, I look at Louie and he just shrugs and smiles. He takes me to the swing and let me sit there.

He lets go of my hand , walks towards the bench and Lani comes over in front of me placing a headband made from the flowers on my head. Louie, then comes back with a cupcake with a single candle on top of it, “Happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Mary, happy birthday to you.” he sings together with the other girls. “Make a wish, Mer.”

I close my eyes and wish that Louie and I were going to be together forever. I open it and blow the candle.

We play at the playground and I have a lot of fun, we laugh and they talk and I listen to them. “Come on, I’ll teach you how to dance.” Pat says and grabs my hand.

We dance laughing and I feel great. This is the first time, I play with other kids, it’s always been just Louie.

“MARY!”

We stop dancing and I look at mommy and daddy running towards us, I hide behind Louie, afraid they are going to take me away from Louie. I feel scared, “Louie.”

“Don’t worry. I won’t let them take you there. I promise.”

I nod.

Mommy and daddy along with the other maids and guards are in front of us, the girls stand beside Louie while I hide behind, “Mary sweetie, let’s go home.” Mommy says in a sweet voice, I only hear she uses with my brother.

“We have cake in the house for you.” daddy informs me.

I peek a little and look at them warily, “You won’t take me away?” I ask.

Mommy and daddy smile and it’s the first time I see them smile at me. “No sweetie. We just want you home. Your friends can come over for the cake.” Mommy says.

“It’s your birthday.”

Slowly, I leave Louie’s back and stand beside him, he takes my hand and squeezes it, nodding. I smile at him sweetly and turn to look at mommy and daddy, “They really can come and play with me?”

Daddy smiles, “Why, of course, they’re your friends. We want to see you laugh and dance too. Can you do dance with daddy today?”

I nod excitedly, daddy will dance with me? Daddy never talks to me, he always hangs out with my brother.

“Then let’s go home.”

***

I stare at the cupcake Lani bought. I suddenly remember my sixth birthday. It’s my first real birthday. It’s the first time, mom and dad acknowledged me. I think, they found it surprising that I was laughing and playing with other kids and also I was speaking.

Maybe if it hadn’t been that, they would have taken me back to Dr. Frank because I snuck out of the house but no, they bought me a birthday cake and celebrated my birthday with me and my friends.

I smile ruefully. I still remember that giddy feeling when mom and dad smiled at me, when dad danced with me and carried me.

How stupid of me to feel that way. Maybe it was because after six years of cold reception from them, they had finally looked at me differently.

“Bakit hindi mo sinabi sa amin Mary?” I turn and see Lani clutching her phone in her hand.

She knows.

I shrug, turn my gaze back to the cupcake, “Pag Sinabi ko sayo, hindi ka papayag.”

“Sympre hindi ako papayag! Bakit ka umalis ng Germany?”

“Naalala mo pa nung una tayong magkakilala? Birthday ko yun diba? Ayun yung unang beses na ngumiti sa akin sila mom and dad. Nung na-realize ko na gusto nila akong nagsasalita at ngumingiti. Ginawa ko yun kasi akala ko pag ginawa ko yun mamahalin na nila ako.” I stare at the window, “Pero kahit anong gawin ko Lani, hinding hindi nila ako mamahalin.”

“Ano bang pinagsasabi mo Mary? Kung naglayas ka dahil gusto mo makuha yung atensyon nila, nagawa mo na.”

I look at her and smile wanly, “Umalis ako ng Germany, Lani kasi gusto ko na kung mamamatay man ako, kasama ko yung mga taong alam kong minahal ako. Kayo yun nila Cassie. I don’t want to waste my remaining days with all those liars.”

Lani comes in front of me quickly and hugs me, “What did they do now Mary?” she asks. I know she knows little about my childhood, it’s not really something the family wants to air out. She got the glimpse because of Louie. She knows they’re indifferent but she doesn’t know the whole of it, only Louie and their parents.

“She lied. Mom lied.” I break a sob. “Everything was a lie. And Lani, I can’t live on a lie anymore. I’m done so please, just please let me be.”

She pats my back soothing me, “Okay. Okay. Pero pag nappaagod ka na sabihin mo agad sa akin.”

“I miss him.”

She stills. She pulls away from me then gazes into my eyes as if she’s searching for something, “Is that why you want…” she couldn’t finish her thoughts, she starts pacing then glares at me, “Gusto mong mamatay para lang makasama si Louie?”

“Hindi ko kayang wala siya Lani. Pinipilit ko yung sarili kong maging okay pero sobrang hirap. I miss him so much it hurts. I just want the pain to go.”

“Mary. Hindi gugustuhin ni Louie na sumuko ka. Nung nalaman ni Louie na may sakit siya, hindi siya sumuko dahil ayaw ka niyang iwan.”

I give her a pitiful smile, “Pero wala na siya Lani. Wala na akong rason para mabuhay.”

“You have us!” she yells, “Nandito pa kami! Wag ka naman maging selfish! Nung namatay si Louie, sobrang hirap, sobrang sakit. Haggang ngayon nasasaktan parin ako. Pero masakit mamatayan. Alam kong nasasaktan ka pero hindi mo ba naisip na nasasaktan din kami na nagmamahal sayo?” she asks, she sinks to the couch, “Hindi ka naman nag-iisa eh. Nandito kami. Hindi lang si Louie yung nagmamamahal sayo.”

The tears fall and we stay like that, silently crying. I know I’m being selfish. I know that I’m hurting them but they don’t understand it. They don’t get me. I’m just so tired of it all and they don’t understand why.

But if you lived the life I have lived, you’d understand. For six years, I was rejected and unloved. Only when Louie came in to my life had I felt the unconditional love that I was never given.

And the following years, I’ve lived a lie. I don’t want that anymore.

Fighting Destiny - Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Lies, you can always run from it but the moment it catches you, it cripples you. Every lie you tell can ruin someone else’s life or yours. Every lie can be the secret ingredient for damnation.

***

I wake up feeling groggy, I open my eyes only to close it when the lights hurt my eyes. I count to ten then slowly open my eyes, I examine the room and I almost cry when I finally find myself back in a hospital room.

I see Kim entering the room, he walks towards me and tries to hold my hand but I pull away, I look away from him and stare at the window. “Mary.”

I shake my head, “I’m tired. I want to sleep.”

He sighs and kisses me on my head, “I’ll be outside if you need me.”

When I hear the door closed, I let the tears fall, I don’t know why I’m starting to pull away again, is it because I’m back in the hospital? Will I really spend the rest of my days lying on a hospital bed?

I was doing fine, Kim and I were enjoying this little trip. After Paris, we got back to Germany and we toured Frankfurt and Berlin. It was fun and freeing. But now, here I am back.

I don’t want to be here anymore. I want to leave.

***

I hear voices the loud whispers around the room and I don't open my eyes, I lay there in bed quietly listening to them.

“What do you mean, she needs a heart transplant?” it’s mom’s voice.

“Mary’s in heart failure.”

“But… you said she’s getting better!” Kim’s raising his voice.

“I’m sorry. We’ve put her on the transplant list.”

They’re talking about me, I gasp and I think Kim heard it that’s why he’s by my side so quick, he turns me to face him and I could see the fear in his eyes and I think he could see the horrified look in my face.

My heart is failing. I’m dying.

I let Kim hold and soothe me because I think he needs to, “Shh.. it’s going to be okay. You’re going to be okay. We’ll get you that heart. You’re going to live.”

How can I tell him that I don’t want a new heart? That I want to die? This is what I want. Now, my heart is cooperating with what I want. It gave me an out. I get to be with Louie and they can’t do anything to save me anymore because my heart is failing.

I can’t say that to Kim though. He’s already heartbroken that I’m dying again. I don’t know how many times this man can take this kind of shit in life. I mean, how can he stay still when every time he gets to watch me die over and over again?

I feel sad for him. I wish I could take away the pains that I keep on causing him but I’m a selfish woman. I don’t want him to go anywhere.

***

It’s hard to navigate the house dragging an oxygen tank with you but in order to get out of the hospital, the doctors gave me strict instructions that I must always be ready, we never know when I need the oxygen tank to keep me breathing.

I lean on the wall as I walk towards the study, I need to get the book I bought in Paris with me, it’s a travel book since I can’t travel right now, I will satisfy myself with looking at the photos inside that book.

Just as I’m on the door, I hear mom’s voice and someone else’s on speaker. I stop and my mind tells me to go and turn around, it’s rude to eavesdrop but my body just stop right there.

“I’m paying a lot of money to find a probable flaw in that damn will!”

“I explained to you a hundred times, the will is solid. When she turns 18, she can get access to the money and you can’t anymore.”

“If she dies, the whole estate goes to her brother. Am I right?”

“Not all of it. The court will divide all the assets and I can assure you, the portion your family will get will be small. The government will forfeit everything, the least you can get will be a few millions at best.”

“She really can’t die can she?”

“I’m afraid she cannot. You’ll get more if you contest the will when she turns 21. But as of now, you can’t do anything.”

“She’s dying right now. I will have to call you back, I need to speak with her doctors about the transplant.”

“Okay. I have faxed over the will to you.”

Oh God. I think I may be going to be sick. They were talking about me. I don’t even understand what they were talking about but I get the feeling that it’s about me and money.

I hear footsteps so I quickly run and hide over the alcove, I peek and see mom leaving the study and walking down the corridor with her phone on her ears. Once she’s gone I go to the study and over the fax machine.

There’s nothing there so I walk over the desk and there, I see it. It’s the last will and testament of my grandmother who’s been dead for a decade now.

I read it and my eyes widen in surprise.

I’m the sole benefactor of her assets. I grab the other documents I see in the desk and I read everything. Then that’s all it finally sinks in, I don't know how so don’t ask me but I realize everything mom said over the years—no, over this period of time—has been a lie.

We never got poor. We never lost our fortune because of me.

I sink to the chair feeling defeated and betrayed. The tears fall automatically and I can’t do anything about it because it hurts.

I thought my mom was finally being a mom to me. I thought that after everything, I get to finally have a mom who’s really concern about me, who doesn’t really want me to die.

The only reason she doesn’t want me to die is because if I die she can’t get her hands on the money.

It was never about me. This is all a ruse. Everything has been a lie and I’m in the center of that lie.

I laugh harshly, God, am I really that gullible? I should have known that their concern wasn’t about me at all. When will I learn not to expect things from them?

For crying out loud, they put me in an asylum when I was kid! They left me there because I was different. They never cared about me so why would they now?

God, I’m such a stupid fool.

I rise from the chair and run back to my room, I grab my suitcase and toss a few of my clothes, I walk over my laptop and bought a plane ticket online and print the e-ticket out.

Once I have everything ready, I call for the taxi company and go back to the study. I enter the study and go over the safe, I put the code and open the safe, I grab my passport and cash and stuff it in my backpack.

I exit the study and quietly descend the stairs, I scan for the staff once I know the coast is clear I make my way to the door.

I run to the gate and outside the cab is waiting for me, I open the gate and ride the cab telling him in German to go to the airport.

I don’t look back at the huge estate behind me, everything was a lie and I can’t live the rest of my days living in a lie.

Once I’m at the terminal, I grab my laptop out of my backpack and power it on. I email Lani about our plans about Hong Kong. I tell her that I know we planned to go the week after my birthday but something came up and we need to do it now. I tell her how busy I am and all that crap.

I see Kim’s name on my contact list and I sigh, he’s going to go nuts once he finds out I’m gone. So I click his name to sent him an email.

Ian,

     Well, I left. I don’t want a new heart. So if my heart is failing and I have a few moments to live then I want to spend it with the people who really care about me and not the people who are only in it for the show.

    Don’t go looking for me Ian. I’ll be fine. I only emailed you because I know you’re going to be worried about me but don’t, I’ll be fine. I’ll be with Lani and the others. Go back to Brown, Kim. I’m never coming back to Germany.

   Take care.

I hear the speaker informing about the flight so I put the laptop back on my backpack and I stand.

I don’t look back at the terminal because if I look one more time then I might break down, all the lies they’ve told is slowly breaking me and I can’t let that happen.

I may sound like a hypocrite but I hate liars. I know, I know, I’m also lying to my friends telling them how happy I am right now, how everything is fine with me. But mine is a white lie.

If tell them I’m dying, I won’t get to be with them anymore. I don't get to be free. 

Fighting Destiny - Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Acting. It’s the one thing that I know helps me get by. If I act that everything is okay then no one will worry over me, no one will look at me with pity. If I act normal then they’d act normal. So that’s what I do.

I act during the day and at night when I’m all alone, I let the real me out and just cry.

***

“So I’m thinking Paris.” I play with the straw from my smoothie.

Kim turns his head and looks at me. “Paris?” he asks, grabs my smoothie and takes a sip from it.

I nod. “Yes, Paris. Let’s go to Paris.” I announce. I lean on the bench and look up to the skies smiling.

He smiles at me, “If that’s what you want then, we’ll go.” He tells me, grabs my hand and squeezes it, “I know things have been hard these past few months but I promise you I’ll make it better.”

I give him a half-smile, I know he will try to make it better, that’s what he does best. I just don’t know if he can make this any better because I don’t know if I ever will feel alive again. If I ever will be grateful and happy that I am alive.

Because right now, all I feel is cold detachment. I’m living but not really living. I’m doing what others want me to do, they want me normal so I’m pretending everything is fine because I’m afraid.

He lets go of my hand and pull his phone out of his pocket, “When do you want to leave?” he asks, I shrug and he nods, he continues to search our ticket through his phone.

After a few minutes, he tells me that we’ll be leaving tomorrow. I give him another smile, I must be really good at acting because he can’t see the truth with my smiles. Or maybe he sees it he just doesn’t want to acknowledge it because it’s better than not speaking at all.

Pretending that everything is alright is better than the fact that I stopped from speaking, so maybe that’s why Kim doesn’t want to tell my bluff. He’d take what he can get. Sometimes, I feel for him. I know he’s hurting because of everything that had happened to me, he’s hurting because he doesn't know this girl I’ve become.

He doesn’t know though, that this is not the new me. What he saw in that hospital was the old me. It’s also the reason why I started speaking again, I feared Kim walking away from me because he now truly saw the broken and damaged girl that I am. So I spoke and acted normal because I’m selfish.

I can’t let Kim walk away, I can’t take it. I can’t take seeing him turning his back on me because if he does then I really will have nothing left to hold on to.

***

“You’re a bad girl.” Dr. Frank admonishes, holding my left arm tightly so he could inject the big needle in me, I don’t cry, I just sit still with my eyes burning with unshed tears.

I try not to wince when the big needle pricks my skin, it hurts but the more I complain the more Dr. Frank will do bad things to me.

After injecting something in me, he lets go of my arm and I brush my arm with my other hand, touching it softly so it won’t hurt anymore. “Paula, Mary’s done here.” Dr. Frank calls over Ms. Paula who’s just staring at the wall, avoiding eye contact.

Ms. Paula nods, walks over me and helps me down the table. She doesn’t smile at me, no one ever does really. We walk out of the white room and outside the waiting area is mommy.

She rises when she sees me and a little part of me jumps out of joy hoping she’d tell me it’s over and we’re going home but she doesn’t, instead she steps towards us, frowns at me then looks at Ms. Paula, “I need to talk to Dr. Frank, is he available?” she asks.

Ms. Paula nods, “He’s inside.” She tells mommy. We start walking away again but I press my feet firm on the ground, Ms. Paula notices and halts, “Come on Mary, we need to get you back to your room.” She tells me with the cold voice of hers.

I shake my head, turns my head to mommy who’s looking at me weirdly, I plead with my eyes, begging her to see me and take me home with her.

Mommy turns her back on me and starts toward the white room I just left.

Ms. Paula kneels down on me and gives me a chiding look, “This is home, Mary.”

I shake my head even knowing she  is probably right. I just want my mommy.

“Do you want to go back to Dr. Frank, Mary?”

I give her an alarming look, I don't want to go back there. Dr. Frank is bad. I shake my head frantically and I let her drag me back to the small gray room they assigned me at since mommy and daddy brought me here.

***

I wake up with a start, another nightmare. I bury my face to my pillow to smother the cry that I know would come eventually and when it does, I let it happen because this is all I can ever do.

I cry for having to pretend I’m okay and I cry because of the nightmares.

It hurts, why does it always hurts?

When I’m done crying, I hop out of bed and walk towards the bathroom to wash my face from the tears. I flash my face with cold water and stare at myself at the mirror, my eyes are fluffy and my nose is red. My face shows the horror I’ve just dreamed about and it needs to go away.

I breathe deeply and walk out of the bathroom and out of my room, I need to go to the one place I feel safe from. So I walk down the scary corridors of the house and when in front of the room, I turn the knob and the door opens, he never unlocks his door because he knows I’ll come here.

I enter the room and the dim light coming from the lampshades help me navigate my way to his bed, I hop to the bed, slides my body to the duvet and burrows my face in his chest.

He pulls me close and holds me tight. “Night Mary.” He just murmurs because he knows I won’t talk to him about it, he knows there’s something keeping me awake every night but he doesn’t press on because like I said, I won’t tell him.

Telling him would be a mistake, he’d leave me once he’s learn all the bad things about me, once he’s learn I’m bad. I’m evil.

Kim is the only person I need if I have to go on living in this godforsaken world.

I wrap my arms around him, “Don’t ever leave me, Ian, please.” I tell him.

He stills but then his hold tightens, “Didn’t I promise you before that I won’t? I won’t ever leave you Mary. Nothing will make me leave you.” he promises, kisses me on my head and says, “Just trust me, I’ll never leave your side.”

But he will. Someday. When he’s grown tired of keeping me and watching over my crazy, he’d leave. I know what he wants, he wants me to share everything to him, he knows there’s a lot I’m keeping from him and he wants me to trust him enough to tell him.

I do trust him. But sometimes, even trusting a person can be the greatest mistake one can ever do. If I tell him, he’d leave me. He’d run.

“I love you.”

I know he does, I’m just afraid that the moment he learns all the horrible things of my past he’d stop loving me. Everyone does eventually. Mom and dad did. Only Louie loved me unconditionally even knowing there’s something dark about me.

***

Kim tosses our luggage at the back of the car and opens the front door for me, “After you, milady.”

I smile and jump inside the car, I watch as he circles back to the driver’s seat and jumps right in. “Are we going to make it on the train?” I ask.

He grins at me, “Of course. You’re talking to one of the fastest racers in town.”

I smack his arm playfully, “Cocky bastard.” I say as he hits on the gas pedal and we drive off.

I fix my hat as the wind blows. I smile and close my eyes. In a few minutes or so, we’re going to be boarding a train to Paris and in Paris, I can finally breathe without having mom look at me warily as if she knows I’ll breakdown.

I’ll be free from her and everything. I’ll be away from Germany. It’ll be me and Kim.

This is what I need. I need to breathe.

Fighting Destiny - Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Waking up means second chance. Waking up means you have another day with life, another day to do the same mistake or right the mistake you’ve done the last day. That is why I hate it so much. To me, waking up means another day full of pain and sufferings, another day that I have no control over everything.

I hate it so much and every night I pray to God, to the Heavens above for me to sleep eternally.

***

I stare at the ceiling of my room, my hands are still tied to the bed and the nurses are keeping their eye out on me, waiting for the next meltdown. They are all waiting.

I too am waiting. The only difference is that I’m waiting for death to resurface again. For the fifth time, death has failed to do its job to take me. Damn death. Damn everyone else who wouldn’t let me die, who wouldn’t want my sufferings to end.

Damn them.

I feel the hot burning in my eyes and I swallow to keep them from falling, tears won’t do anything anymore. They just do damage just like always.

I wish they had let me die, I wish they had let the damn machine to go off. Because I can’t live like this anymore. I don’t want to live anymore.

My eyes get blurry and I remember the day when everything in me just broke.

***

My throat hurt—no my whole body hurt—I looked around the room, was this the other side? Why did it look like a hospital room? And why did my body ached all over again? I thought, you didn’t feel anything when you died? 

So why was I feeling everything?

I heard voices just outside the room, maybe I could stand up and walk around, maybe I’d find Louie. Where was he exactly? Didn’t he say he would wait for me on the other side? So why wasn’t he here?

Then the door opened and I knew then. I didn’t die. Kim’s face was the evidence of it all and I hated it so much.

“GET OUT!” I yelled. I didn’t know why I was yelling, maybe because I was alive! “Get out!” I repeated over and over again.

Kim hesitantly ran toward me and tried to soothe me, I shove his hand away. “Mary, take it easy. You’re still recovering.”

I shook my head, looked at him with tears desperately falling. “Why? Why did you let me live?”

He looked ashen. “Mary. Please.” He pleaded, now he looked scared and I didn’t understand why.

“I trusted you to make the right decision. I told you in my letter that I want to die. Why? Why can’t you let me die?”

“Because I love you!”Kim snapped. “I can’t give up the way you did. One of us should still fight! So I fought for you!”

I shook my head, everything hurt. Not just my body anymore but also everything inside me. “Then you’re the selfish one.” I told him. I looked at him only to see shock and hurt in his eyes. “If you truly thought of me then you would have let me die. You were only thinking of yourself because if you thought of me, you’d understand why I didn’t want to live.” I cried.

He didn’t say anything, he just looked at me with pain and I knew he wanted to say something, he just didn’t know what else to say. How to rebuff what I just told him because he knew I was right.

He was selfish. All of them were.

Then I just broke down. I didn’t know what happened, I just did. I cried and screamed. Hating the world, hating them all. Until my mom got enough or the doctors did.

They scheduled me for a psychiatric evaluation. The whole dam broke the moment mom told me about it.

“I’m not crazy!”

Mom didn’t look at me. She stared at the window then spoke lightly. “I’m not saying you are. You’ve been under a lot of stress and we just want you to be okay.”

“No, you just don’t want to admit that everything you pretended to be okay is not okay. You want to make sure I’m not psychotic because then you’d regret not washing your hands off me a long time ago.”

Mom then turned her head at me, looking at me wide eyed. She was surprised with the words I just said because this would be the first time I lashed out on her with the past. Then her composure regained, she glared at me. “Stop rehashing the past. You’re okay. You’re not some psycho.”

I wanted to ask her, who was she convincing, herself or me. I knew the answer though, she was convincing herself because if she admitted that I wasn’t okay then she’d think they made a mistake a long time ago.

I let the tears fall as I remembered the five year old me. The miserable little girl and I compared that girl to the girl I was now. I knew then they’d made a mistake just like how they made a mistake now for letting me live. “You should have let me die mom. I begged you in my letter to let me die. Do you truly hate me that much that the one request I have for you, you didn’t even care to fulfill?” I cried as I looked at her with so much pain in my eyes. “Why can’t you just let me die in peace? Why do you have to torture me?”

She looked at me the way she used to look at me when I was a child. She was scared of me again and she thought of me as crazy. “That’s ridiculous. Why do you want to die when you have a full life ahead of you?” she stared back at the window then sighed. “You’re alive and you’re okay.” She said. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” She walked out of my room without a second glance.

“I’m not okay.” I murmured.

She never came back the next day or the next.

***

The door opens and Dr. Collins barges in. She looks at me then at my hands. She gives me a tight smile then proceeds toward me, she frees my hand and I give her a grateful smile.

She sits down at the chair beside my bed and looks at me. “You’re not okay.” She states.

I nod. Because it’s the truth. I’m not okay. Which is why they had to restrain me last night, I had a nightmare last night, and it was just some old nightmare from my childhood days starring Dr. Frank.

One of my least favorite people who always showed up to my nightmares.

“And you don’t want to be okay.”

I nod again; I don’t want to be okay, what’s the use of being okay when everything is messed up? When all I want is to die?

“Ian is beside himself with worry. You won’t let him in. He’s hurting Mary.” Dr. Collins tells me, I don’t say anything, I know she wants me too. She sighs. “I know you’re hurting too Mary but you just can’t shut everyone out. You can be angry at the world, at everyone; just don’t keep it bottled up.”

I shrug, I can shut everyone out if that’s what I want. I don’t need them. I don’t need them, they’re all selfish. This is their entire fault, it’s their fault why I am hurting still. It’s their fault back then and it’s still is their fault now.

Everything is their fault. Every fucked up in my life is their fault—my family’s fault—and I don't know how to pretend that it’s not anymore.

“Talk to me Mary.”

But I don’t. I know why she’s here, I stopped from talking a week ago and they thought if they bring Dr. Collins here, I’d talk to her.

I don’t know why I stopped talking really. I just found myself one day being tired of speaking, they won’t hear me so why bother speaking again? I told myself it was just for a day but then it turned days.

It’s easier this way. This way, I won’t get disappointed that no one hears me.