Lies, you can always run from it but the moment it catches you, it cripples you. Every lie you tell can ruin someone else’s life or yours. Every lie can be the secret ingredient for damnation.
I wake up feeling groggy, I open my eyes only to close it when the lights hurt my eyes. I count to ten then slowly open my eyes, I examine the room and I almost cry when I finally find myself back in a hospital room.
I see Kim entering the room, he walks towards me and tries to hold my hand but I pull away, I look away from him and stare at the window. “Mary.”
I shake my head, “I’m tired. I want to sleep.”
He sighs and kisses me on my head, “I’ll be outside if you need me.”
When I hear the door closed, I let the tears fall, I don’t know why I’m starting to pull away again, is it because I’m back in the hospital? Will I really spend the rest of my days lying on a hospital bed?
I was doing fine, Kim and I were enjoying this little trip. After Paris, we got back to Germany and we toured Frankfurt and Berlin. It was fun and freeing. But now, here I am back.
I don’t want to be here anymore. I want to leave.
I hear voices the loud whispers around the room and I don't open my eyes, I lay there in bed quietly listening to them.
“What do you mean, she needs a heart transplant?” it’s mom’s voice.
“Mary’s in heart failure.”
“But… you said she’s getting better!” Kim’s raising his voice.
“I’m sorry. We’ve put her on the transplant list.”
They’re talking about me, I gasp and I think Kim heard it that’s why he’s by my side so quick, he turns me to face him and I could see the fear in his eyes and I think he could see the horrified look in my face.
My heart is failing. I’m dying.
I let Kim hold and soothe me because I think he needs to, “Shh.. it’s going to be okay. You’re going to be okay. We’ll get you that heart. You’re going to live.”
How can I tell him that I don’t want a new heart? That I want to die? This is what I want. Now, my heart is cooperating with what I want. It gave me an out. I get to be with Louie and they can’t do anything to save me anymore because my heart is failing.
I can’t say that to Kim though. He’s already heartbroken that I’m dying again. I don’t know how many times this man can take this kind of shit in life. I mean, how can he stay still when every time he gets to watch me die over and over again?
I feel sad for him. I wish I could take away the pains that I keep on causing him but I’m a selfish woman. I don’t want him to go anywhere.
It’s hard to navigate the house dragging an oxygen tank with you but in order to get out of the hospital, the doctors gave me strict instructions that I must always be ready, we never know when I need the oxygen tank to keep me breathing.
I lean on the wall as I walk towards the study, I need to get the book I bought in Paris with me, it’s a travel book since I can’t travel right now, I will satisfy myself with looking at the photos inside that book.
Just as I’m on the door, I hear mom’s voice and someone else’s on speaker. I stop and my mind tells me to go and turn around, it’s rude to eavesdrop but my body just stop right there.
“I’m paying a lot of money to find a probable flaw in that damn will!”
“I explained to you a hundred times, the will is solid. When she turns 18, she can get access to the money and you can’t anymore.”
“If she dies, the whole estate goes to her brother. Am I right?”
“Not all of it. The court will divide all the assets and I can assure you, the portion your family will get will be small. The government will forfeit everything, the least you can get will be a few millions at best.”
“She really can’t die can she?”
“I’m afraid she cannot. You’ll get more if you contest the will when she turns 21. But as of now, you can’t do anything.”
“She’s dying right now. I will have to call you back, I need to speak with her doctors about the transplant.”
“Okay. I have faxed over the will to you.”
Oh God. I think I may be going to be sick. They were talking about me. I don’t even understand what they were talking about but I get the feeling that it’s about me and money.
I hear footsteps so I quickly run and hide over the alcove, I peek and see mom leaving the study and walking down the corridor with her phone on her ears. Once she’s gone I go to the study and over the fax machine.
There’s nothing there so I walk over the desk and there, I see it. It’s the last will and testament of my grandmother who’s been dead for a decade now.
I read it and my eyes widen in surprise.
I’m the sole benefactor of her assets. I grab the other documents I see in the desk and I read everything. Then that’s all it finally sinks in, I don't know how so don’t ask me but I realize everything mom said over the years—no, over this period of time—has been a lie.
We never got poor. We never lost our fortune because of me.
I sink to the chair feeling defeated and betrayed. The tears fall automatically and I can’t do anything about it because it hurts.
I thought my mom was finally being a mom to me. I thought that after everything, I get to finally have a mom who’s really concern about me, who doesn’t really want me to die.
The only reason she doesn’t want me to die is because if I die she can’t get her hands on the money.
It was never about me. This is all a ruse. Everything has been a lie and I’m in the center of that lie.
I laugh harshly, God, am I really that gullible? I should have known that their concern wasn’t about me at all. When will I learn not to expect things from them?
For crying out loud, they put me in an asylum when I was kid! They left me there because I was different. They never cared about me so why would they now?
God, I’m such a stupid fool.
I rise from the chair and run back to my room, I grab my suitcase and toss a few of my clothes, I walk over my laptop and bought a plane ticket online and print the e-ticket out.
Once I have everything ready, I call for the taxi company and go back to the study. I enter the study and go over the safe, I put the code and open the safe, I grab my passport and cash and stuff it in my backpack.
I exit the study and quietly descend the stairs, I scan for the staff once I know the coast is clear I make my way to the door.
I run to the gate and outside the cab is waiting for me, I open the gate and ride the cab telling him in German to go to the airport.
I don’t look back at the huge estate behind me, everything was a lie and I can’t live the rest of my days living in a lie.
Once I’m at the terminal, I grab my laptop out of my backpack and power it on. I email Lani about our plans about Hong Kong. I tell her that I know we planned to go the week after my birthday but something came up and we need to do it now. I tell her how busy I am and all that crap.
I see Kim’s name on my contact list and I sigh, he’s going to go nuts once he finds out I’m gone. So I click his name to sent him an email.
Well, I left. I don’t want a new heart. So if my heart is failing and I have a few moments to live then I want to spend it with the people who really care about me and not the people who are only in it for the show.
Don’t go looking for me Ian. I’ll be fine. I only emailed you because I know you’re going to be worried about me but don’t, I’ll be fine. I’ll be with Lani and the others. Go back to Brown, Kim. I’m never coming back to Germany.
I hear the speaker informing about the flight so I put the laptop back on my backpack and I stand.
I don’t look back at the terminal because if I look one more time then I might break down, all the lies they’ve told is slowly breaking me and I can’t let that happen.
I may sound like a hypocrite but I hate liars. I know, I know, I’m also lying to my friends telling them how happy I am right now, how everything is fine with me. But mine is a white lie.
If tell them I’m dying, I won’t get to be with them anymore. I don't get to be free.