I sat there at the stool waiting for answers; answers that didn't come right away. Why was I so down when Alex ran off to Trisha? I was encouraging the match. I knew that he loved her more than he admitted it but just because of what he said earlier at the restaurant, I believed him. I believed he didn't love her anymore but he proved himself wrong tonight.
He loved her immensely. I should be happy for them. I should be happy I got it right. But I wasn't. What was wrong with me? I should really gloating that I was right once again however it did hurt. And I never felt this disappointment since...
I looked straight up startled to the door opening, I quickly stood up and ran towards the door, it must be Alex. He came back. He decided not to leave me alone.
"A—" Alex. I stopped and stared at the man who just entered the flat. "Caleb." I greeted wanly. I knew he could sense the disappointment in me but I just couldn't help myself, I was sorely disappointed and I didn't even know why.
I might had gone daft. Yeah. That was just that. I had gone daft. This disappointment I was feeling, the shrinking feeling my heart felt were just poppycock. Of course. Why should I ever be disappointed that Alex left me here all alone?
He was nothing. He was just Alex. Just Alex.
Caleb smiled a little and waved a hand. "Hey." he greeted. "Alex called earlier and thought you'd want company tonight." he explained.
I nodded and gestured him inside. I walked forward and was sure he was following me, I got back to the kitchen and sat on the stool once again. I placed my elbows onto the breakfast bar and propped my chin in my one hand lazily.
I was bored and disappointed no, not with Alex anymore but with myself. For I actually let myself believed in that poppycock reason of mine.
Caleb cleared his throat so I was forced to look at him. "Don't know why you're in a sour mood but I bought you sweets." he waved the bags in his hands that I didn't notice earlier.
I straightened myself and I sure did look excited with the prospects that he bought me sweets. My. Caleb sure knew how to comfort my moods. I smiled childishly to him. "Caleb." I sighed helplessly. Sweets would actually help me.
He grinned and placed the bags on top of the breakfast bar, he took it all out of the bag and I couldn't even wait for him to finish unpacking and I just started taking some scones. "I knew you'd take the scones first." he remarked.
I looked at him and grinned. "We English love scones." I pointed out. "Oh did you bring any blueberry jam?" I asked.
He smirked and waved at me the bottle of my favorite blueberry jam. "Would I even forget it?" he placed it on front of me. He sat beside me and I grabbed the tablespoon while he opened the bottle for me. I spread some jam on my scone and ate happily.
This was good. This was the comfort that I needed right now. And no, I won't deny myself this delectable treats. "The cook back home makes the best blueberry jam in all of England." I boasted. And I wasn't even lying. Our cook was the best cook there was in England. Father had never left the Palace without Cook with him.
We had the best kitchen staff and the head Cook was the best of all the chefs we had.
"No wonder you love blueberry jam so much." he remarked.
I beamed at him forgetting that I was once disappointed at Alex. If Alex could bring out the worst in me, I seldom thought Caleb could actually bring the best in me. I ate in silence as Caleb read the book he brought with, sometimes I would noticed that he was staring at me but when I glance back he was back on his book.
Caleb loved reading, it was so obvious with his cafe and also he never left anywhere without a book in hand, I liked that about him because I was also a bookworm and it was nice to know someone who also could be lost in the book like me.
We went to the living room afterwards. He sat beside me after setting the movie on the player. He leaned forward to grab the bowl of popcorn and some Snickers bars. He gave me the chocolate bar and he decided to place the bowl on his lap.
We watched comfortably and ate at the same time. It was comforting. And it was Caleb's way of comforting me. He would never initiated to ask me what was bothering me, he would like it if I could actually tell him without him asking.
He was that kind of a guy. Thoughtful. Very.
It was when the credits of the first film we watched that I actually spoke. "Alex ran off to Trisha."
He went still but a second later he relaxed. "Naglasing si Trisha sa bar ni Troy." he explained. "Minsan lang malasing si Trisha at pag na lasing na yun, kung ano ano ginagawa." he shivered at something he might had imagined. "Alex can become overprotective when it comes to Trisha." he suddenly said.
"I guess that's love." I said hoping he wouldn't hear the hurt in my voice. The hurt I didn't even know I was feeling until now. I never liked this kind of pain in me. I never did. It was just unbearable.
"Yeah maybe." he said and stood up to put the next DVD in the player. He strode towards the kitchen and he got back with two pints of Ben & Jerry's, one Chunky Monkey and one Half Baked. He gave me the Half Baked knowing how I loved cookie dough. He also handed me a spoon.
I opened my pint and started eating. "He's not going home is he?" I asked suddenly.
I ate the scoop of ice cream first before he spoke again. "No. They'll probably have an argument and then you know..." he said not wanting to divulge me in some information but I knew what it was. They were going to have those steamy hot make up shagging.
And I didn't want to think about that. What was wrong with me? And these emotions stirring up? Am I to believe that I actually felt something for Alex?
Could I even allow myself to feel something for him? For the man who kidnapped me? Who held me against my will? Could I even try?
Of course, I couldn't. It was wrong, so wrong in so many levels.
"Alex told me he doesn't love her anymore but when I looked at him when he said he needed to be with her, I knew he lied. He still love her." I said. I wanted to burden someone with these feelings I had, with these pains that I wasn't accustomed anymore. I wanted to lean on someone because when I felt this kind of pain before, there wasn't anyone for me.
I just wanted someone.
"Trisha is Alex's first love. Kahit anong deny niya sa sarili niya, mahal parin niya si Trisha. Ayun yung isang bagaya na lahat kami ay alam. He might seem indifferent sometimes but with his feelings for Trisha it never is." he said. "You can't fall out of love with your first love because that person will always hold a piece of your heart no matter what happens. Hindi ko alam kung totoo yan dahil hindi ko pa ito nararanasan pero sa nakikita ko, totoo ito. Kahit anong mangyari mamahalin parin ni Alex si Trisha. Ayaw lang niyang aminin dahil sa pride niya. Dahil kay Alex pride always rule his decisions." he told me as he played with his ice cream.
I scooped a little bit of my ice cream and ate it. "It's true."
He looked to me and was asking me what was I talking about.
I smiled a little. "That you can't fall out of love with your first love."
"Have you ever been in love Ara?" he suddenly asked me. But I knew he was always contemplating on asking me that question since that first night in Troy's bar.
I wanted to be honest with him but I had never been open with my feelings. I was taught to never show anyone my emotions, I hid it so well or so I thought.
I ate some more ice cream before deciding to answer him. "People like me can't afford to fall in love." I answered without thinking. I never wanted to tell him that, to tell him that answer, I had always dodge that question whenever asked.
But somehow with Caleb, I really knew I could trust him. That I could share my feelings and he would be there to listen to me. I knew I could be open to him. There were only few people that I could trust and be open.
Remember the last person you knew you could trust? Look where that got him. Somewhere in the back of my mind suddenly told me.
"Everyone can love, even the unfortunate can. There's no exception in love."
Except royalties like me especially me.
I smiled sadly. "There is an exception in love. Would you love someone dying?" I asked him.
"Of course I could. You can't tell yourself who to love or not to. It comes unexpectedly. You said it before, you could even love the wrong person." he reminded me.
"I know but still there's always an exception. If you were dying, would you tell someone you love that you love her?"
He looked like he was thinking of how to answer and then he finally looked at me. "I would."
"Kahit mamatay ka na? Sasaktan mo siya sa ganoong paraan?"
"Ara anong mas masakit, ang mamatay ako ng hindi sinasabi yung tunay kong nararamdaman o mamatay akong alam niyang siya lang yung minahal ko nung nabubuhay pa ako?"
I looked out at the window, it was dark and well raining. It seemed so dull like what I was feeling right now. "I would prefer not to know. Mas masakit para sa akin na nalaman kong mahal niya ako pero sa huli iiwan din niya pala ako."
"But you will live wondering."
I shrugged. "But I would have my heart protected from the pain of losing someone who I knew loved me."
He shook his head. "There will still be pain."
"And I will live with that pain. But I can't live with the pain he will imprint if he ever told me he loved me and then leave." I said and I knew with my voice that I was close on bursting my emotions. "Living when the one person you loved most die so sudden is the most unbearable pain that one could feel."
Minutes past and we grew into this silence and I wanted that silence for me to think. "And you would then blame yourself am I right?" he asked suddenly.
He caught me off guard. He understood what I was telling him. Nobody else did. I nodded. "Yes. And I wouldn't do that to the person I love. I wouldn't let him feel that unbearable pain." I said. "Because I know living with that kind of pain is hell."
"You would die without him knowing how you truly felt?"
"Letting him know would be selfish in my part."
"I guess you're right but it would be his choice if he would want to stay isn't it?"
"Maybe."
"I don't know how we ended up talking about dying, it feels so dragging." he chuckled a bit trying to let go the dully feeling that encircled us.
We then decided to watch the movies silently no more talking about love or anything that was gonna sure bring our spirits down.
I leaned over his shoulder and relaxed a bit. I yawned and closed my eyes for a bit.
"Have you ever felt that kind of pain Ara?" he asked and I knew in myself I wasn't ready to answer him.
I would never be ready.
So I feigned sleep.
I heard him sigh and he just let me pretend but after awhile I drifted off to sleep and was only awakened when I was being lifted up. I didn't open my eyes and just let him carry me.
Once he gently tucked me in my bed, I nuzzled on my pillow and murmured my thanks. He walked towards the door, he turned the lights off so sudden.
I sat quickly. "Please turn the lights on." I muttered. But I knew my fear was shown.
He didn't comment on the way I behaved just now. "Okay. Good night Ara. I'll be on Alex's room if you need anything." he said and closed the door.
I laid back and closed my eyes.
He loved her immensely. I should be happy for them. I should be happy I got it right. But I wasn't. What was wrong with me? I should really gloating that I was right once again however it did hurt. And I never felt this disappointment since...
I looked straight up startled to the door opening, I quickly stood up and ran towards the door, it must be Alex. He came back. He decided not to leave me alone.
"A—" Alex. I stopped and stared at the man who just entered the flat. "Caleb." I greeted wanly. I knew he could sense the disappointment in me but I just couldn't help myself, I was sorely disappointed and I didn't even know why.
I might had gone daft. Yeah. That was just that. I had gone daft. This disappointment I was feeling, the shrinking feeling my heart felt were just poppycock. Of course. Why should I ever be disappointed that Alex left me here all alone?
He was nothing. He was just Alex. Just Alex.
Caleb smiled a little and waved a hand. "Hey." he greeted. "Alex called earlier and thought you'd want company tonight." he explained.
I nodded and gestured him inside. I walked forward and was sure he was following me, I got back to the kitchen and sat on the stool once again. I placed my elbows onto the breakfast bar and propped my chin in my one hand lazily.
I was bored and disappointed no, not with Alex anymore but with myself. For I actually let myself believed in that poppycock reason of mine.
Caleb cleared his throat so I was forced to look at him. "Don't know why you're in a sour mood but I bought you sweets." he waved the bags in his hands that I didn't notice earlier.
I straightened myself and I sure did look excited with the prospects that he bought me sweets. My. Caleb sure knew how to comfort my moods. I smiled childishly to him. "Caleb." I sighed helplessly. Sweets would actually help me.
He grinned and placed the bags on top of the breakfast bar, he took it all out of the bag and I couldn't even wait for him to finish unpacking and I just started taking some scones. "I knew you'd take the scones first." he remarked.
I looked at him and grinned. "We English love scones." I pointed out. "Oh did you bring any blueberry jam?" I asked.
He smirked and waved at me the bottle of my favorite blueberry jam. "Would I even forget it?" he placed it on front of me. He sat beside me and I grabbed the tablespoon while he opened the bottle for me. I spread some jam on my scone and ate happily.
This was good. This was the comfort that I needed right now. And no, I won't deny myself this delectable treats. "The cook back home makes the best blueberry jam in all of England." I boasted. And I wasn't even lying. Our cook was the best cook there was in England. Father had never left the Palace without Cook with him.
We had the best kitchen staff and the head Cook was the best of all the chefs we had.
"No wonder you love blueberry jam so much." he remarked.
I beamed at him forgetting that I was once disappointed at Alex. If Alex could bring out the worst in me, I seldom thought Caleb could actually bring the best in me. I ate in silence as Caleb read the book he brought with, sometimes I would noticed that he was staring at me but when I glance back he was back on his book.
Caleb loved reading, it was so obvious with his cafe and also he never left anywhere without a book in hand, I liked that about him because I was also a bookworm and it was nice to know someone who also could be lost in the book like me.
We went to the living room afterwards. He sat beside me after setting the movie on the player. He leaned forward to grab the bowl of popcorn and some Snickers bars. He gave me the chocolate bar and he decided to place the bowl on his lap.
We watched comfortably and ate at the same time. It was comforting. And it was Caleb's way of comforting me. He would never initiated to ask me what was bothering me, he would like it if I could actually tell him without him asking.
He was that kind of a guy. Thoughtful. Very.
It was when the credits of the first film we watched that I actually spoke. "Alex ran off to Trisha."
He went still but a second later he relaxed. "Naglasing si Trisha sa bar ni Troy." he explained. "Minsan lang malasing si Trisha at pag na lasing na yun, kung ano ano ginagawa." he shivered at something he might had imagined. "Alex can become overprotective when it comes to Trisha." he suddenly said.
"I guess that's love." I said hoping he wouldn't hear the hurt in my voice. The hurt I didn't even know I was feeling until now. I never liked this kind of pain in me. I never did. It was just unbearable.
"Yeah maybe." he said and stood up to put the next DVD in the player. He strode towards the kitchen and he got back with two pints of Ben & Jerry's, one Chunky Monkey and one Half Baked. He gave me the Half Baked knowing how I loved cookie dough. He also handed me a spoon.
I opened my pint and started eating. "He's not going home is he?" I asked suddenly.
I ate the scoop of ice cream first before he spoke again. "No. They'll probably have an argument and then you know..." he said not wanting to divulge me in some information but I knew what it was. They were going to have those steamy hot make up shagging.
And I didn't want to think about that. What was wrong with me? And these emotions stirring up? Am I to believe that I actually felt something for Alex?
Could I even allow myself to feel something for him? For the man who kidnapped me? Who held me against my will? Could I even try?
Of course, I couldn't. It was wrong, so wrong in so many levels.
"Alex told me he doesn't love her anymore but when I looked at him when he said he needed to be with her, I knew he lied. He still love her." I said. I wanted to burden someone with these feelings I had, with these pains that I wasn't accustomed anymore. I wanted to lean on someone because when I felt this kind of pain before, there wasn't anyone for me.
I just wanted someone.
"Trisha is Alex's first love. Kahit anong deny niya sa sarili niya, mahal parin niya si Trisha. Ayun yung isang bagaya na lahat kami ay alam. He might seem indifferent sometimes but with his feelings for Trisha it never is." he said. "You can't fall out of love with your first love because that person will always hold a piece of your heart no matter what happens. Hindi ko alam kung totoo yan dahil hindi ko pa ito nararanasan pero sa nakikita ko, totoo ito. Kahit anong mangyari mamahalin parin ni Alex si Trisha. Ayaw lang niyang aminin dahil sa pride niya. Dahil kay Alex pride always rule his decisions." he told me as he played with his ice cream.
I scooped a little bit of my ice cream and ate it. "It's true."
He looked to me and was asking me what was I talking about.
I smiled a little. "That you can't fall out of love with your first love."
"Have you ever been in love Ara?" he suddenly asked me. But I knew he was always contemplating on asking me that question since that first night in Troy's bar.
I wanted to be honest with him but I had never been open with my feelings. I was taught to never show anyone my emotions, I hid it so well or so I thought.
I ate some more ice cream before deciding to answer him. "People like me can't afford to fall in love." I answered without thinking. I never wanted to tell him that, to tell him that answer, I had always dodge that question whenever asked.
But somehow with Caleb, I really knew I could trust him. That I could share my feelings and he would be there to listen to me. I knew I could be open to him. There were only few people that I could trust and be open.
Remember the last person you knew you could trust? Look where that got him. Somewhere in the back of my mind suddenly told me.
"Everyone can love, even the unfortunate can. There's no exception in love."
Except royalties like me especially me.
I smiled sadly. "There is an exception in love. Would you love someone dying?" I asked him.
"Of course I could. You can't tell yourself who to love or not to. It comes unexpectedly. You said it before, you could even love the wrong person." he reminded me.
"I know but still there's always an exception. If you were dying, would you tell someone you love that you love her?"
He looked like he was thinking of how to answer and then he finally looked at me. "I would."
"Kahit mamatay ka na? Sasaktan mo siya sa ganoong paraan?"
"Ara anong mas masakit, ang mamatay ako ng hindi sinasabi yung tunay kong nararamdaman o mamatay akong alam niyang siya lang yung minahal ko nung nabubuhay pa ako?"
I looked out at the window, it was dark and well raining. It seemed so dull like what I was feeling right now. "I would prefer not to know. Mas masakit para sa akin na nalaman kong mahal niya ako pero sa huli iiwan din niya pala ako."
"But you will live wondering."
I shrugged. "But I would have my heart protected from the pain of losing someone who I knew loved me."
He shook his head. "There will still be pain."
"And I will live with that pain. But I can't live with the pain he will imprint if he ever told me he loved me and then leave." I said and I knew with my voice that I was close on bursting my emotions. "Living when the one person you loved most die so sudden is the most unbearable pain that one could feel."
Minutes past and we grew into this silence and I wanted that silence for me to think. "And you would then blame yourself am I right?" he asked suddenly.
He caught me off guard. He understood what I was telling him. Nobody else did. I nodded. "Yes. And I wouldn't do that to the person I love. I wouldn't let him feel that unbearable pain." I said. "Because I know living with that kind of pain is hell."
"You would die without him knowing how you truly felt?"
"Letting him know would be selfish in my part."
"I guess you're right but it would be his choice if he would want to stay isn't it?"
"Maybe."
"I don't know how we ended up talking about dying, it feels so dragging." he chuckled a bit trying to let go the dully feeling that encircled us.
We then decided to watch the movies silently no more talking about love or anything that was gonna sure bring our spirits down.
I leaned over his shoulder and relaxed a bit. I yawned and closed my eyes for a bit.
"Have you ever felt that kind of pain Ara?" he asked and I knew in myself I wasn't ready to answer him.
I would never be ready.
So I feigned sleep.
I heard him sigh and he just let me pretend but after awhile I drifted off to sleep and was only awakened when I was being lifted up. I didn't open my eyes and just let him carry me.
Once he gently tucked me in my bed, I nuzzled on my pillow and murmured my thanks. He walked towards the door, he turned the lights off so sudden.
I sat quickly. "Please turn the lights on." I muttered. But I knew my fear was shown.
He didn't comment on the way I behaved just now. "Okay. Good night Ara. I'll be on Alex's room if you need anything." he said and closed the door.
I laid back and closed my eyes.
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