Chapter 36 - Don't say goodbye
"Mary, are you going to attend St. Claire's Christmas Ball?" Carmina asked me as I handed her my test paper. She then gave it to the person in front of her.
Binalik ko yung ballpen at calculator ko sa bag ko bago ako sumagot kay Carmina. "Yeah required eh."
"Hindi ka makakasama sa party?" tanong niya. Nakaharap na siya sa akin.
Umiling ako. "Huling huli yung part ko sa program eh."
"Hindi pa ba sila nagsasawa sa mukha mo? Pangatlong taon mo ng ginagawa yan." Carmina teased.
Pagkatapos kasi ng last day ng exam, sunod na araw ay Christmas Party namin. Silang lahat ay may sarili sariling gimik pagkatapos ng Christmas Party sa school, si Rhiannon, classmate ko ay napapayag yung parents niya na mag overnight party kami sa private resort nila sa Tagaytay.
Unfortunately for me, I can't join them. Required kasi akong umattend sa Christmas Ball ng St. Claire's, ang sister school namin. Yung unang taon, second year ako, tuwang tuwa pa ako at excited akong pumunta sa ball dahil ako yung maga-award ng mga nanalo.
Pero nakakasawa rin pala iyon pag ilang ulit mo ng ginagawa. Hindi lang kasi sa Christmas Ball ako ginagamit ng school pag awarding kundi halos lahat ng awarding. I am the face of St. Peter's High after all. Hindi sa nagmamayabang pero ganun talaga dahil ako yung nanalo nung first year ako as the Miss St. Peter's High.
Ayun yung advantage ng mga first year na nanalo sa Miss St. Peter's High. Three years of being the title beholder. Three years din si mom sa council.
"Sa sobrang ganda ko paano sila magsasawa sa mukha ko?" I joked.
Tumawa lang si Carmina at tumayo na para sa prayer, tumayo na rin ako. "Di nga hindi ka na sasama?" lingon niya ulit sa akin.
Tumahimik muna kami nung nag simula ng maglead si Ms. ng prayer. Pagkatapos ay pinaupo na ulit kami ni Ms. dahil may announcement siya para bukas. "Officers na required bukas sa Christmas, 5:30 ang meeting time." Ms. Ryn said. "Para naman sa Christmas party bukas, maiwan yung mag-aayos ng room at boys humiram na kayo sa canteen ng table." she told us. "Gusto ko wala akong makikitang mga regalo sa desk niyo, lahat ng regalo ay ilalagay sa Christmas tree."paalala niya sa amin. "You can go now."
Walang nagsitayuan sa amin at hinintay lang si Ms, Ryn na umalis ng room. "Ella!"sigaw ni Riley.
Lumingon naman si Ella bago ito tumayo at nagpunta sa pwesto namin. "Bakit?"
"Sasama kayo bukas sa Tagaytay diba?" tanong ni Riley. Tumango naman si Ella. "Edi sabay sabay nalang lahat ng mga required sa ball pumunta."suggest niya pa.
"Sasama ka ba Mary?" tingin ni Ella sa akin at tanong.
"Hindi pa ako sure." sabi ko sa kanila. "Hindi pa kasi ako nakakapagpaalam." tumayo na ako at kinuha yung shoulder bag ko. Tumingin ako sa kanila at ngumiti. "Paalam ako mamaya tas tatawagan ko kaya. Pag pumayag, pahatid nalang tayo sa Tagaytay."
"Sana pumayag." Ella said.
Nagpaalam na rin ako sa kanilang lahat dahil kailangan ko na rin umuwi para hintayin si mom at makapag Christmas shopping na kami nila kuya. Late na late na yung Christmas shopping namin kasi busy lagi si mom at dahil sa exams.
Pagka-uwi ko wala pa sila mom o si kuya kaya nagpalit nalang muna ako ng damit at kumain din ng lunch. Ayaw ko sanang kumain sa bahay ng lunch kasi kakain din naman kami sa labas nila mom pero nagugutom na kasi ako kaya kumain nalang ako.
Pagkatapos kong kumain ay umakyat na ako at umupo lang sa sitting area sa second floor. Mas malakas yung WiFi namin dito sa may area na to dahil mas malapit sa study room kung nasaan yung router. At tsaka dito ako naghintay kasi may ginagawa sila sa baba.
Inaayos nila yaya yung living room para ma-adjust yung mga gamit dun para sa party ni mom sa isang araw. Tas may dumating din na grand piano kahapon regalo kay mom kaya inaayos nila yung living room.
High ceiling yung living room namin kaya yung Christmas tree ay abot haggang second floor, sa second floor makikita yung angel na nasa tuktok.
Naglalaro lang ako sa laptop ko habang naghihintay.
Mga 30 minutes lang ay dumating na si mom, umakyat to at sinabihan akong magpapalit lang siya at aasikasuhin yung nangyayari sa baba bago kami umalis. Susunduin nalang daw namin si kuya sa school.
Pagkatapos magbihis at tumulong ni mom sa baba ay umakyat ulit to para tawagin ako at kuhain yung bag niya. Sinundan ko siya sa loob ng kwarto niya.
"Ma, pwede akong sumama sa Tagaytay?" pagpapaalam ko sa kanya.
Tinignan niya ako. "Anong meron sa Tagaytay?"
"Christmas party namin! Three days and two nights."
Umiling si mom. "Naku ayan na naman yung ganyan niyo. Wag ka ng sumama."
"MOM!"I protested.
Tinignan niya ako ng masama. "Hindi kasama diyan si Cyril kaya paano ako mapapanatag?"tanong niya sa akin.
I pouted. Cyril was really my mom's favorite friend of mine in school. Siguro kasi katulad nila overprotective rin si Cyril at sinusunod talaga nito si mom. "Nandun naman yung parents ni Rhiannon." I lied. Sa totoo lang wala dun yung parents ni Rhiannon, yung yaya lang ni Rhiannon pero mas mapapanatag si mom kung sasabihin kong nandun yung parents ni Rhiannon. Ayun lang naman ang gusto ni mom eh.
"Three days?" tanong niya, tumango naman ako. "May party tayo in three days." paalala niya sa akin.
"Maaga kami uuwi. Pasundo mo ako ng maaga."
Tinaasan ako ng kilay ni mom. "Papasundo ka pa?"
"Sympre." I told her.
"Gagabihin ka na bukas sa Christmas ball, paano ka nun?"
I smiled. Papayag na si mom, kunting info nalang papayag na siya. "Papahatid ako saTagaytay. Kasabay ko na rin sila Ella." sabi ko. Narinig kong tumunog yung phone ko at tinignan ko kung sino yung tumatawag, hindi ko to sinagot nung nalaman ko kung sino.
"Sige sige. In one condition."
I beamed. "Okay what is it? Magbe-behave ako sa party mo."
Umiling siya. "No. You'll start your session with Dr. Collins."
I frowned. I really don't want to talk to that shrink. I don't need her help in any way. Is it worth it? I mean this trip with my classmates, is it worth bargaining with this kind of deal?
"You need to talk to someone Mary. You're a teenager facing a life threatening illness. You need to learn how to cope with that and Dr. Collins will help." mom explained.
But then again, I promised myself that I'd bond with my classmates before our time's up and we graduate. Gusto kong maging close pa ako sa kanilang lahat kaya siguro ayos lang to as long as we don't talk about what happened before.
I nodded. "Okay." Hindi parin tumitigil yung pag ring ng phone ko pero hindi ko to pinansin at lumabas na sa kwarto ni mom.
"Sagutin mo yan Mary." utos ni mom.
Hindi ko siya pinansin at umupo nalang ulit sa settee, akmang papatayin ko na yung phone ko para naman matigil na yung pagtunog, why does this guy doesn't take the hit that I never want to talk to him again?
Mom came out of her room with her bag. "Just answer his calls. God knows you two need to talk." sabi niya bago ito naglakad papunta sa hagdan. "Hihintayin kita sa sasakyan. Sagutin mo yan. Darating yung mga Montenegro before Christmas at ayaw kong magkaroon ng awkward atmosphere." she said and strode off.
I sighed. I guess I just need to get over it and tell him I don't want to talk. Not now, not ever. It just hurts. I still can't stop thinking of the betrayal.
I closed my eyes for a second then answered the phone call that was due. I didn't say anything, hindi ko alam kung anong sasabihin ko.
"Mary, thank God you answered." Kim said, he sounded tired and relieved at the same time. This wasn't the Kim I know. There was something different in his voice. "God what's wrong with me." he chuckled a bit. "Hi."he greeted and I knew he was smiling.
"Hi." I breathe.
"Thank you for answering." he said. "I have this speech ready but just hearing your voice, my thoughts got scattered." he said and from the sounds of it, he was pacing. Kim was nervous. I wanted to smile at the thought that I was making him nervous but I just can't. "I missed you so much."
"Don't." I started. "Don't say that."
"Mary, I'm so sorry. For everything. I wasn't thinking clearly and for that I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that you feel betrayed. I'm sorry for creating a wall between you and Tricia."
"Don't Kim." I interposed.
"I wanted to hurt you that time Mary. I wanted you to feel what you did to me. The pain, I wanted you to feel that pain too. Then I realized I couldn't do that to you. I couldn't hurt you. You're my everything and I promised you I would never hurt you and so I broke it off with Tricia. I was going to tell you about it when we talk again." he told me. "I was going to admit everything to you, hoping you'd forgive me."
"It hurt me you know."
"I know and you don't know how sorry I am for hurting you." Kim said. "You know, I thought it wouldn't matter to you, that it wouldn't hurt you that much. You wanted me gone to your life and I just thought I wouldn't matter anymore."
"You're wrong. You're my best friend Kim. Of course you matter. Kahit anong mangyari Kim, best friend parin kita at mahalaga ka sa akin. Kaya nga sobrang sakit Kim, kasi pareho ko kayong best friend. Selfish siguro talaga ako kasi kahit pinagtulakan na kita palayo ayaw ko parin na makita kang kasama si Pat." I cried. "You know how jealous I am when it comes with her. She always get what she wants and I was so scared that you were forever gone."
"I am in love with you Mary. You're my world and the day you pushed me away, my world just shattered. I am nothing without you even if I get to stay just being the best friend. I need you to forgive me Mary, please."
"I just... I can't Ian." I told him truthfully. Hindi ko kaya. Hindi ko kayang patawarin si Kim kasi masakit pa. Hindi ko rin kayang magsinungaling sa kanya at sabihin na napatawad ko na siya dahil hindi totoo yun. "It still hurts. I just can't forgive and forget."
"Mary please." Kim's voice cracked.
"I can't. At least not now."
"But someday?"
"Maybe someday."
"I love you Mary."
"I know. Good bye Ian." I said brushing the tears off.
"No." he said suddenly. "Don't say goodbye. It sounded so final."
I smiled. Only Kim would say things like that. "Bye?" I asked smiling.
"No."
"See you Ian." I said. "I miss you too Ian." I said before hanging up. I wanted him to know that I also missed him.
Maybe someday, I could forgive him. I just can't right now.
I stood up and brushed my tears. I smiled and walked down.
I wish I could easily forgive someone. I wish forgiving is that simple.
Tumawa lang si Carmina at tumayo na para sa prayer, tumayo na rin ako. "Di nga hindi ka na sasama?" lingon niya ulit sa akin.
Tumahimik muna kami nung nag simula ng maglead si Ms. ng prayer. Pagkatapos ay pinaupo na ulit kami ni Ms. dahil may announcement siya para bukas. "Officers na required bukas sa Christmas, 5:30 ang meeting time." Ms. Ryn said. "Para naman sa Christmas party bukas, maiwan yung mag-aayos ng room at boys humiram na kayo sa canteen ng table." she told us. "Gusto ko wala akong makikitang mga regalo sa desk niyo, lahat ng regalo ay ilalagay sa Christmas tree."paalala niya sa amin. "You can go now."
Walang nagsitayuan sa amin at hinintay lang si Ms, Ryn na umalis ng room. "Ella!"sigaw ni Riley.
Lumingon naman si Ella bago ito tumayo at nagpunta sa pwesto namin. "Bakit?"
"Sasama kayo bukas sa Tagaytay diba?" tanong ni Riley. Tumango naman si Ella. "Edi sabay sabay nalang lahat ng mga required sa ball pumunta."suggest niya pa.
"Sasama ka ba Mary?" tingin ni Ella sa akin at tanong.
"Hindi pa ako sure." sabi ko sa kanila. "Hindi pa kasi ako nakakapagpaalam." tumayo na ako at kinuha yung shoulder bag ko. Tumingin ako sa kanila at ngumiti. "Paalam ako mamaya tas tatawagan ko kaya. Pag pumayag, pahatid nalang tayo sa Tagaytay."
"Sana pumayag." Ella said.
Nagpaalam na rin ako sa kanilang lahat dahil kailangan ko na rin umuwi para hintayin si mom at makapag Christmas shopping na kami nila kuya. Late na late na yung Christmas shopping namin kasi busy lagi si mom at dahil sa exams.
Pagka-uwi ko wala pa sila mom o si kuya kaya nagpalit nalang muna ako ng damit at kumain din ng lunch. Ayaw ko sanang kumain sa bahay ng lunch kasi kakain din naman kami sa labas nila mom pero nagugutom na kasi ako kaya kumain nalang ako.
Pagkatapos kong kumain ay umakyat na ako at umupo lang sa sitting area sa second floor. Mas malakas yung WiFi namin dito sa may area na to dahil mas malapit sa study room kung nasaan yung router. At tsaka dito ako naghintay kasi may ginagawa sila sa baba.
Inaayos nila yaya yung living room para ma-adjust yung mga gamit dun para sa party ni mom sa isang araw. Tas may dumating din na grand piano kahapon regalo kay mom kaya inaayos nila yung living room.
High ceiling yung living room namin kaya yung Christmas tree ay abot haggang second floor, sa second floor makikita yung angel na nasa tuktok.
Naglalaro lang ako sa laptop ko habang naghihintay.
Mga 30 minutes lang ay dumating na si mom, umakyat to at sinabihan akong magpapalit lang siya at aasikasuhin yung nangyayari sa baba bago kami umalis. Susunduin nalang daw namin si kuya sa school.
Pagkatapos magbihis at tumulong ni mom sa baba ay umakyat ulit to para tawagin ako at kuhain yung bag niya. Sinundan ko siya sa loob ng kwarto niya.
"Ma, pwede akong sumama sa Tagaytay?" pagpapaalam ko sa kanya.
Tinignan niya ako. "Anong meron sa Tagaytay?"
"Christmas party namin! Three days and two nights."
Umiling si mom. "Naku ayan na naman yung ganyan niyo. Wag ka ng sumama."
"MOM!"I protested.
Tinignan niya ako ng masama. "Hindi kasama diyan si Cyril kaya paano ako mapapanatag?"tanong niya sa akin.
I pouted. Cyril was really my mom's favorite friend of mine in school. Siguro kasi katulad nila overprotective rin si Cyril at sinusunod talaga nito si mom. "Nandun naman yung parents ni Rhiannon." I lied. Sa totoo lang wala dun yung parents ni Rhiannon, yung yaya lang ni Rhiannon pero mas mapapanatag si mom kung sasabihin kong nandun yung parents ni Rhiannon. Ayun lang naman ang gusto ni mom eh.
"Three days?" tanong niya, tumango naman ako. "May party tayo in three days." paalala niya sa akin.
"Maaga kami uuwi. Pasundo mo ako ng maaga."
Tinaasan ako ng kilay ni mom. "Papasundo ka pa?"
"Sympre." I told her.
"Gagabihin ka na bukas sa Christmas ball, paano ka nun?"
I smiled. Papayag na si mom, kunting info nalang papayag na siya. "Papahatid ako saTagaytay. Kasabay ko na rin sila Ella." sabi ko. Narinig kong tumunog yung phone ko at tinignan ko kung sino yung tumatawag, hindi ko to sinagot nung nalaman ko kung sino.
"Sige sige. In one condition."
I beamed. "Okay what is it? Magbe-behave ako sa party mo."
Umiling siya. "No. You'll start your session with Dr. Collins."
I frowned. I really don't want to talk to that shrink. I don't need her help in any way. Is it worth it? I mean this trip with my classmates, is it worth bargaining with this kind of deal?
"You need to talk to someone Mary. You're a teenager facing a life threatening illness. You need to learn how to cope with that and Dr. Collins will help." mom explained.
But then again, I promised myself that I'd bond with my classmates before our time's up and we graduate. Gusto kong maging close pa ako sa kanilang lahat kaya siguro ayos lang to as long as we don't talk about what happened before.
I nodded. "Okay." Hindi parin tumitigil yung pag ring ng phone ko pero hindi ko to pinansin at lumabas na sa kwarto ni mom.
"Sagutin mo yan Mary." utos ni mom.
Hindi ko siya pinansin at umupo nalang ulit sa settee, akmang papatayin ko na yung phone ko para naman matigil na yung pagtunog, why does this guy doesn't take the hit that I never want to talk to him again?
Mom came out of her room with her bag. "Just answer his calls. God knows you two need to talk." sabi niya bago ito naglakad papunta sa hagdan. "Hihintayin kita sa sasakyan. Sagutin mo yan. Darating yung mga Montenegro before Christmas at ayaw kong magkaroon ng awkward atmosphere." she said and strode off.
I sighed. I guess I just need to get over it and tell him I don't want to talk. Not now, not ever. It just hurts. I still can't stop thinking of the betrayal.
I closed my eyes for a second then answered the phone call that was due. I didn't say anything, hindi ko alam kung anong sasabihin ko.
"Mary, thank God you answered." Kim said, he sounded tired and relieved at the same time. This wasn't the Kim I know. There was something different in his voice. "God what's wrong with me." he chuckled a bit. "Hi."he greeted and I knew he was smiling.
"Hi." I breathe.
"Thank you for answering." he said. "I have this speech ready but just hearing your voice, my thoughts got scattered." he said and from the sounds of it, he was pacing. Kim was nervous. I wanted to smile at the thought that I was making him nervous but I just can't. "I missed you so much."
"Don't." I started. "Don't say that."
"Mary, I'm so sorry. For everything. I wasn't thinking clearly and for that I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that you feel betrayed. I'm sorry for creating a wall between you and Tricia."
"Don't Kim." I interposed.
"I wanted to hurt you that time Mary. I wanted you to feel what you did to me. The pain, I wanted you to feel that pain too. Then I realized I couldn't do that to you. I couldn't hurt you. You're my everything and I promised you I would never hurt you and so I broke it off with Tricia. I was going to tell you about it when we talk again." he told me. "I was going to admit everything to you, hoping you'd forgive me."
"It hurt me you know."
"I know and you don't know how sorry I am for hurting you." Kim said. "You know, I thought it wouldn't matter to you, that it wouldn't hurt you that much. You wanted me gone to your life and I just thought I wouldn't matter anymore."
"You're wrong. You're my best friend Kim. Of course you matter. Kahit anong mangyari Kim, best friend parin kita at mahalaga ka sa akin. Kaya nga sobrang sakit Kim, kasi pareho ko kayong best friend. Selfish siguro talaga ako kasi kahit pinagtulakan na kita palayo ayaw ko parin na makita kang kasama si Pat." I cried. "You know how jealous I am when it comes with her. She always get what she wants and I was so scared that you were forever gone."
"I am in love with you Mary. You're my world and the day you pushed me away, my world just shattered. I am nothing without you even if I get to stay just being the best friend. I need you to forgive me Mary, please."
"I just... I can't Ian." I told him truthfully. Hindi ko kaya. Hindi ko kayang patawarin si Kim kasi masakit pa. Hindi ko rin kayang magsinungaling sa kanya at sabihin na napatawad ko na siya dahil hindi totoo yun. "It still hurts. I just can't forgive and forget."
"Mary please." Kim's voice cracked.
"I can't. At least not now."
"But someday?"
"Maybe someday."
"I love you Mary."
"I know. Good bye Ian." I said brushing the tears off.
"No." he said suddenly. "Don't say goodbye. It sounded so final."
I smiled. Only Kim would say things like that. "Bye?" I asked smiling.
"No."
"See you Ian." I said. "I miss you too Ian." I said before hanging up. I wanted him to know that I also missed him.
Maybe someday, I could forgive him. I just can't right now.
I stood up and brushed my tears. I smiled and walked down.
I wish I could easily forgive someone. I wish forgiving is that simple.
No comments:
Post a Comment