Chapter 41 – Decisions have to be made.
I really hate going to the hospital just for my check up. Why can’t they just come over? Then I know the answer, our house doesn’t have the machines that is needed for me. I sigh as I put on a jeans and a white tee.
I am too tired to actually dress, last night mom allowed me to go with Chelsea and the others to this restaurant, mom only allowed me when she found out Cyril was coming along with us and we were going to change. What mom didn’t know was that both Chelsea’s dress and mine were sexy and tight.
What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her anyway.
So we stayed at the restaurant until three am, it’s a 24 hour restaurant and we were having fun, the other guys left to find a bar, they invited us but of course with Cyril by our side we can’t.
Mom and I make our way to the office of Dr. De Jesus my cardiologist. I really hate going there. I hate hospitals. I hate it and I hope that I don’t have to stay in today.
Dr. De Jesus welcomes us and she proceeds to ask me questions and I animatedly answer her. A nurse comes by and leads me for the Echo. After, all the tests are done we make our way back to Dr. De Jesus office.
Dr. De Jesus starts talking with mom and I tune out of their conversation.
I think nothing’s wrong with me and with that maybe I can go out today with Chelsea or Carmina after my check up.
“Do you really think it’s okay to bring her to New York?” mom asks, I turn my head to her. New York? Who? Me? I’m going to New York? But why?
“Yes, yung cardiologist na ni-recommend ni Dr. Montenegro ay isa sa mga magagaling sa field nito. At isa pa, pag dinala niyo si Mary sa Amerika mas malaking chances niya dun kaysa dito. Mas maraming options.” Dr. De Jesus says.
Mom nods understanding her words. “Sabi nga rin ni Dr. Montenegro na pwede namin siyang dalhin sa Mayo.” She says. “Pero yung flight kasi Doc, kakayanin ba ni Mary yung nineteen hours?”
I don’t listen to them again, as far as I know, I’ll be going to New York this summer. Pat is going to be there and I might run into her. Oh God. That would be worse.
I don’t want to see her ever again, our friendship is over and I’m not being dramatic but seeing her would make me remember all those awful things she said about Louie. I can’t for the love of me forgive her for that.
Since we are already in BGC, mom says we should buy cupcakes if I want to of course I want cupcakes. So we go to Sonja’s to buy a two dozen. We eat lunch at BGC too because I need to take my medications.
“Hindi ka papasok bukas, aayusin natin yung Visa mo.” Mom announces over lunch.
I look at her questioningly. “Bakit?” I ask.
“Pupunta tayo sa New York.” She just says.
I know that she wants me to go to New York but really she won’t even ask dad about it? She’s just going to decide? But of course, she’s mom so she pretty much decides everything.
So I play dumb. “Diba sabi mo pupunta tayo sa Hawaii para sa graduation gift ko?” I say, nung Christmas kasi sinabi niya sa amin ni Kuya na pinapabook na niya kami sa Hawaii para sa graduation gift ko.
Nung graduation ni Kuya nagpunta kami sa Japan dahil dun yung gusto ni Kuya.
“Change of plans. Pag may oras pa pwede siguro tayong pumunta sa Mexico.” She says.
I don’t answer back, I just eat my lunch. I really don’t want to go to New York. Mom’s set though so I can’t do anything, I think she still think that if we go to New York and the doctors there suggest that I go proceed with the heart surgery Dr. De Jesus told us if ever my medications failed me.
I don’t really want to undergo surgery whatever may happen to me. I don’t want to die under an operating table. Mas gugustuhin ko pang mamatay sa kama ko o di kaya kahit sa hospital bed pero never sa operating table.
I don’t want to die open.
I know I’m going to die once I proceed with a open heart surgery. I just know it. So no thank you. I’d rather wait my time.
“Mary, may napili ka na bang papasukan?” mom asks while we’re back in the car. Sa totoo lang hindi ako sure kung gusto kong mag enroll this year para sa college. I mean, I’m going to die so what’s the point anyway?
Sayang lang. At isa pa, hindi naman tulad ng high school yung college na pwede mong sabihin na may HCM ka kaya pwede bang wag kang pahirapan masyado? Pwede bang maging priority ka?
It’s not like that.
Another thing is that I want to try and take the SATs. Gusto ko talaga mag aral sa Yale University. O kahit saan basta Ivy League. Pero sa totoo lang Yale talaga ang gusto ko. Alam ko na mas lalong hindi papayag si mama sa gusto ko.
Pero pangarap ko talaga mag aral sa Yale, isa to sa mga naging pangarap namin ni Louie. At gusto ko sanang tuparin to kahit ako lang mag-isa at least isa sa amin natupad yugn pangarap naming dalawa.
“Wala pa. Hindi ko nga sure mom kung anong gusto kong course.” I answer. Ayan pa yung isang problema ko, wala akong maisip kung anong gusto ko. I mean gusto kong maging doctor pero ready ba ako para dun?
At isa pa, ayaw ni mom ng gusto kong course. Gusto niya maging isa akong business ad major. I can’t. Kahit kalian hindi naging appealing sa akin yung business ad. It seems boring. Predictable.
Sa totoo lang ang gusto ko simula bata palang ako ay mag Law. Pero again, ayaw ni mom.
I’m still taking it slow with her with my wish to be a doctor.
“Accounting would be nice.” Mom suggests.
I snort and look at the window. “I hate Math.” I really do. Mom is great with Math; she can mentally solve Math problems in a minute or two. Hindi ko nakuha yung gift niya with numbers.
“Don’t be dramatic Mary. Math is easy and fun.”
I snort again. As if. Wala pa akong kilalang tao na sinabi na ‘fun’ ang Math. Math is the definition of torture in school or in life! It’s always been and will always be a torture. I just really hate Math.
I don’t get it why do I need to study Math, I just don’t understand Math. Why do I need those theorems, it’s not like I would need it someday. Honestly, if I can, I will always avoid classes about Math in college.
“It is. Madali lang ang Math, hindi mo lang talaga sineseryoso ito.” mom says. “Tignan mo si Auntie Becka, sineryoso to naging Mathematician siya.”
I snort once again. I can’t help it. She’s really talking about Great Aunite Becka? “Sa sobra niyang sineryoso naging matandang dalaga siya at sa huli nabaliw dahil hindi niya ma-solve yung Birch and Swinnerton-Dyer conjecture ” I point out.
May isa kaming kapamilya sa mother side, isa siyang Mathematician, buong buhay niya she dedicated it to Math. Naging matandang dalaga siya, yung stereotype ng mga spinsters, totoo pala yun. Yung may madaming pusa.
I hated visiting her, her house smelled funny. Ang dami pang pusa. Isang araw, nabalitaan nalang namin na nasira na yung ulo niya. I mean really nabaliw siya, nasa asylum na siya sa England ngayon.
Sabi ni Skye nung binisita nila sa England si Auntie Becka, yung dingding daw ng kwarto nito puno ng solutions, pag kinausap mo daw to, sasagot sayo mga x is equal to blah blah blah.
Walang nakakaalam kung paano naging ganun si Auntie Becka, isang araw nalang daw lumabas ng bahay si Auntie Becka na nakahubad at sumisigaw ng “Eureka, Eureka.”
“Pero paano kung na-solve niya talaga yung Birch and Swinnerton-Dyer conjecture Kaya siya nagsisigaw ng ‘Eureka’?” mom asks. Really mom.
I turn to her and roll my eyes. Porket sumigaw lang ng eureka na solve na talaga? Isa to sa mga theory ng pamilya namin, mga theory kung paano nabaliw si Auntie Becka. Para sa akin kaya nabaliw si Auntie Becka ay dahil sa sobrang daming solutions sa utak niya.
Sumabog nalang siya o di kaya genetic.
Wala rin sagot yung mga doctor sa amin. Really, kaya nga siya dinala sa ibang bansa dahil akala nilang lahat masasagot yung tanong nila, kung hereditary ba yung kabaliwan ni Auntie Becka. Well, walang sagot yung mga doctor.
Sometimes, I think it’s genetic and that scares me the most not death. I’d rather die than be crazy.
I wrinkle my nose and turn back looking at the window. Thinking of Auntie Becka makes me think of the past and the future. And it’s scary.
“If you really want to pursue medicine, we’ll talk about it more when you decide where to attend okay?” mom says.
I nod. I’m not really in the mood to talk about college.
I press my head to the window and close my eyes. I really hate talking about Auntie Becka it makes me sentimental. I hate being sentimental.
Mom touches my arm, I look at her with my brows furrowed. “We had you tested Mary, you know that.”
I nod and pull my arm away from her, I close my eyes shutting everything out. I don’t want to think about it, mom made me remember those awful times.
The word that may or may not saved me. Because nothing really has changed since then, I’m still the unwanted child.
I really wish we don’t hit traffic, I want to go to my room and lock myself in, I want to ball my eyes out and cry.
I miss Louie more than anything right now. He’s the only one who could pull me up from this depression. A depression that is rather self-induced.