Chapter 1- The Temptations
The last time Alyssa ran away to New York her heart was broken, that was ten years ago. Now she ran back to New York this time however her heart wasn’t broken, it was taken away from her.
The person who had her heart was gone and left only his own heart. Michael had given his life for her, undeserving that she was still he gave his own heart for her to live a life without him.
It wasn’t fair. None of it was. She didn’t understand why Michael had to give up his life for her, how could Michael gave away his life when he would know that she wouldn’t want to live if he wasn’t there with her anymore? How could he ask her to live if he wasn’t by her side?
What kind of life could she lead if she couldn’t share it with him?
But she had to try. She had to try to live. For Michael. Even though he was gone, he would have wanted her to live even when it would be so hard for her to live a life without him especially when they had just been together for only a short time after ten long years of being separated.
It really was unfair, they had waited for ten years for each other and when they finally got together, fate decided to take them apart.
She knew she was never going to be okay but she had to live because everyone around her wanted her to, her parents would have wanted her to try, Conrad hoped she would and Jenny she demanded she try.
She had felt guilty over the death of Michael, she couldn’t even look at his parents’ eyes during the funeral it was her fault he was gone. She knew that Jenny blamed her even if she didn’t say it aloud.
Michael had chosen to die for her. And Jenny was trying to fulfill the promise she made with Michael that she was going to help Alyssa no matter what. Alyssa had felt envious of Jenny, she was the last person Michael had called.
And Alyssa would have given anything just to hear his voice for the last time, that was why she watched his last video over and over again. It soothed the pain she was always feeling sometimes though she would feel more pain every time she watched that video.
So she decided to stop from watching it. She couldn’t take the pain. She couldn’t handle it, Heaven knows what she’d try if she got tired of bearing the pain. She’d seek a way to assuage it, to replace it and she didn’t want to go to that road again. She owed it to Michael to try to live and not to waste her life.
“Alyssa.” She heard Jenny called her, she quickly shut the cabinet, and she left the bathroom closed it behind her just as Jenny came in her room. She breathed a sigh of relief, she couldn’t let Jenny see what she had been contemplating on doing earlier.
Jenny eyed her skeptically for a moment and shrugged. “Since I’m leaving tomorrow let’s go have dinner out.” She suggested. After months of staying with her in New York Jenny had decided to go back to Manila and be with her doting fiancé.
At first, Alyssa didn’t like it, she was scared. Jenny had helped her, she was not like Conrad who thought of her as fragile. Jenny helped her in a way Conrad couldn’t. She didn’t think it was fine to leave her be, she had her unorthodox way of helping her unlike Conrad who didn’t want to push her too hard fearing he would break her.
It wasn’t that she didn’t appreciate Conrad because she did. It was just sometimes being around someone who thought of you as fragile was suffocating.
Alyssa nodded in approval. “Sure. Where do you want to go?” she asked Jenny.
Jenny shrugged “Conrad’s doing the reservation.” She stated. “I’m in my room if you need me.” she said and turned her back on Alyssa and walked out of the room.
Alyssa closed her eyes, it was a good thing Jenny came in. She didn’t want what she was contemplating on doing earlier in the bathroom but that didn’t mean that she never liked it. She couldn’t help herself.
She liked feeling numb. She didn’t want to but she liked it. Sometimes when the pain was too much, she needed to feel numb. She needed not to feel anything. She couldn’t try and kill herself because Michael would have never wanted that so that path was a no-go. Only numbing herself and pain meds helped.
It had always helped. When she was high on pain meds, she felt nothing. It was a good feeling because every day since she woke up and learned that her fiancé died and gave her his heart all she felt was pain and sorrow.
She knew it was wrong, knew she needed help again just like what happened before. Knew that she needed to talk to someone about the loss she felt, the pain but she couldn’t talk even with Conrad who she had always confided in whenever she had her urges of cutting and taking pain meds before.
She just couldn’t stomach the disappointment and fear she’d definitely see in Conrad’s eyes or anyone’s but more on Conrad’s.
She walked out of her room and went straight to the library and maybe reading would take her mind off things. Once inside the library she grabbed the book that was on the table and began reading it.
She then eyed the decanters of spirits on her side, she breathed deeply she needed to be strong and not be tempted by what those decanters would do to her. It would surely help her ease her mind off things.
Alcohol had that way around people. You drink and you forget.
And she wanted to badly to forget. But she would not dare drink. She needed to be strong and fight the temptations of alcohols and pain meds.
She startled when the door opened, she looked up and saw Conrad walking in. “Hi.” She greeted.
Conrad smiled at her and sat on the opposite side of her. “Hi. How are you?” he asked.
She took a glance at the decanters and then quickly faced Conrad who abruptly rose and went to pull the bell. “I’m fine. What brings you here in the estate? I thought you’re busy.”
He turned to her, studied her face for a while and then spoke. “Merely checking on you.”
“I don’t need you to check on me every hour of the day Conrad. I am fine!” she said in outrage. Just because she was broken didn’t mean that they needed to check on her every time of the day because they fear she’d take her life. She would not dare take her life, it was Michael’s gift to her.
Before Conrad could speak, a maid came in. Conrad turned to her. “Please see to it to rid the house of the alcohols.” He ordered.
The maid nodded and walked out.
“You can’t do that!” she told him.
He raised his eyebrow at her. “Nobody in this house drinks Alyssa.”
“Even so! You don’t live here so you can’t just order around our servants to do your bidding.”
He nodded and turned his eyes away from her not until she saw the hurt in his eyes though. “I should go. I’m not sure I can join you and Jenny at dinner but my secretary had reserved a table at the Tea Room.” He said and walked towards the door.
Alyssa stood up. “Conrad.” She called. He turned to face her with a blank face. “I’m sorry. Please join us for dinner.”
He smiled sadly. “How could I refuse?” He said and left.
She sighed, she made a mess of things. But she was just annoyed that Conrad could still read her like a book. She just had to look at the decanters and he knew then she’d been tempted.
She didn’t want him to know. As she said, she would never want to see disappointment in his eyes.
He was one of the most important people in her life right now. She didn’t know how she’d live without him in her life, she dare not to think about such things. Conrad was always the one who helped her stand up no matter what.
He had found her years ago in the brink of death and he somehow brought her back to life. He helped and he had been her anchor since then.
She would not want him gone in her life. She had already lost Michael, she didn’t want another loss.