In a battle between life and death, the only important weapon you have to have is the will to fight. Honestly if you don’t have it then it’s really fighting a losing battle. No one can fight your battles for you; you have to do it on your own. Otherwise, you might as well be dead.
I’m tired. Not just physically but also mentally. Kim and I are fighting or he’s having a fight with me. We want different things now, I think he’s known it for a while and now that I’ve shown him what I truly want he just can’t accept it.
I know it’s hard for him, he doesn’t know it but it’s hard for me too. Earlier today, he called me selfish. Why is it selfish to just give up? I don’t understand, maybe I do. I know he doesn’t want me to die, he wants me to live, isn’t he selfish too? He wants me to live because he loves me, it’s not because of me but because of him.
Why can’t he understand that I’m tired? If he truly loves me then he should understand that I just don’t have it in me anymore, I never had it in the first place. I tried, God knows I tried to live for him, for everyone else, I chose to live for them. And God, it’s trying. It’s suffocating.
And I just want to choose for myself this time. I want to die. For me dying is living. Maybe I am selfish but God, don’t I deserve to be selfish after the life I’ve been given?
I cough and I stop from writing. I stare at the stationary, I’ve only written four sentences. I don’t really know what to say to Kim in this letter. I want him to understand but it’s hard to form the words my heart wants to say.
I cough harder this time, I reach for the cup on the bedside table, and I take a sip from it. I choke, the coughing doesn’t stop and with my shaking hands, I reach for the button in my bedside.
The nurse comes in quickly, she slides away the table, reclines my bed and then goes for my IV, she controls the fluid flow and she looks back at me. “How are you feeling?” she asks with the very hard German accent.
I cough again. I try to speak but my throat hurts and I shake my head to her.
She nods understanding, she presses her hand to my forehead and frowns. “You shouldn’t be up. Rest sweetie. Your surgery is tomorrow.” She tells me and when she sees that I’m settled in my bed, she nods and walks out.
I turn my head towards the window, I had a high fever a few days earlier, I was unconscious for two days, I was being monitored in case of pneumonia, doctors said if I have pneumonia I might not make it.
My body is still weak from the fever and then there’s the fight with Kim. He saw that I lost my will to fight. He saw it the moment I woke up. He couldn’t accept it though.
Five minutes after Nurse Amara left my room, I push myself up and pull the desk closer to me, and I stare at the blank page and sigh. I still don't know what to write. Maybe I just have to wing it. So I let my hand control it and start writing.
I’m sorry you have to go through all of this because of me. I’m sorry for everything, I’m sorry for always hurting and pushing you away but most of all I’m sorry for being selfish.
I’m sorry. I know my apology will not make anything better, I know it will hurt still but I need to say it. I need you to know that I am sorry. I’m sorry for not fighting anymore, I am just tired of it all Kim. I’m so tired and I just want to close my eyes and never open it again.
I’m scared Kim, I am. I’m scared of dying but I’m ready for it Kim. I don't know what’s on the other side, all I know is that if I cross that line, there will be no pain anymore. Kim, all my life, I’ve been in pain and just for once—for the last time—I want to end it.
I know you probably don’t understand, I’ve never been forthcoming with my past with you, I know you’ve always wondered but never dared to ask. I’m not writing this to spill the gory details of my childhood Kim, let’s just say it’s not pretty as it should have been.
Pain has always been a constant companion of mine Kim. It never left me and the more time passes by, the more it starts to consume me. I hate it and by hating it, I started to hate myself even more for failing not to have a solution to make it go away. It’s not just the pain though, pain comes with three more companions: insecurity, self-loathing and let’s not forget darkness.
I have so many flaws Kim but the worst of it all is darkness. I can’t explain it well, you don't understand what I’m saying, do you? I don’t understand it too but darkness has always been there. It’s the one who trips me on purpose so I go stumbling down.
I’m just tired of it all, you know? I always tried to stand up when the four of my constant companion pushed me, it’s just trying and the more I stumble, the more it hurt. I don’t want to feel anymore.
So please let me be. Please understand why I have lost my will to fight. I never had it Ian. I tried because everyone—you most especially—wanted me to fight. I wanted so bad to fight because I know how much it meant to you. And for all of the horrible things that I did, I just wanted to do one thing that could make you happy.
I’ll do the surgery because that’s what you want, I’ll do it because I promised you that I would and this last time, I want to fulfill my promise, this promise because we both know, I won’t be fulfilling any promises I made with you. I can only grant you this one.
When I die Ian, I need you to let go of me. Don’t hold on to my memories. I know it would hurt but don’t let the pain swallow you, you need to move past it. My death isn’t the end of the world. You need to understand that, you have a bright future ahead of you and you need to walk towards it. Don’t be like me who’s still stuck with the past. You asked me before not to be stuck with the past, so I’m asking you now. Don’t get stuck in it. Let go of me. Let go, just let go and all will be well.
Yeah, I know, how should I know that it would be well? But I just know it will be. So please, let go. I don’t want you to be always in pain Ian. And if you don’t let go of me, I’m afraid you’ll always be in pain.
I have always hurt you, I have always brought you pain and I just don’t want that even in death, I’m still the one hurting you.
It will be hard at first, you have the right to be angry, to hate me. Let it out, let it all out and after it, I can’t guarantee it would be better, I hope it would. But keeping it in isn’t the best solution.
You can have time to mourn but don’t you dare spend your lifetime mourning after me. I don’t deserve that kind of dedication, I’m horrible.
I’m sorry and I hope one day you will forgive me for giving up.
Oh my God. All this rambling and I forgot to tell you the most important thing of all.
Thank you for coming into my life. Thank you for never leaving my side no matter how many times I tried to push you away. Thank you for being my best friend. And most importantly, thank you for loving me. I don’t deserve it but you gave it nonetheless so thank you. I might not always show that I’m grateful for that love but I am.
I’m happy that you loved me. I’m happy that in my life, there had been two people who showed me what unconditional love really was. It was the most beautiful thing in the world.
I will not regret anything when I die because I got to know and feel the unconditional love that always seemed like a fantasy to me.
Please be happy Ian. I would feel much better if I know that you will be. I’ll watch over you Kim, always.
I read the letter one more time before folding it and putting it inside the envelope. Once safely inside, I seal it and address it to Kim. I smile ruefully as I trace the envelope with my fingers.
Now, it’s done, I only need to think on how to give it to Kim without him throwing a fit that I’m pretty sure he would. I’m even afraid he won’t take it. Maybe I could place it on the pocket of his coat tomorrow before the surgery so I won’t have to deal with him.
That decided, I set it aside and flip my laptop open. It’s time to say goodbye to my friends. So I write them a letter that I’ll be sending to Kim’s email, he’d know what to do once he sees it.
I stare at the screen biting my lips; I have no idea how to start this letter. I close my eyes and tell myself that no matter what I should do this, I must write and tell them goodbye myself.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from everything that had happened in my life, everyone deserves a goodbye. It’s a form of closure everyone needs. And closure, I’ll give them.
Kim holds my hand as tight as he can, I can see he’s scared and how I wish I could ease it but I know I can’t, the words that he longs to hear are not the words I could utter. Because I won’t lie especially now that my time is running.
I don’t want to lie anymore.
I squeeze his hands and smile wanly at him then I pull my hand away, he tries to grab it back but I shake my head. I turn my head around my pillow, slide my hand below it and grab the envelope underneath it.
I realize that I should be giving this to Kim personally. He deserves it more than anything, I can’t take the cowardly ways even for my last hours in this world.
I hand him the envelope, he frowns at it then look at me with his brow furrowed. “What’s this?”
“Read it when…” Should I tell him to read it when I’m dead? That just doesn’t sound right. So I opt to the next thing that I could think of. “Read it when you’re ready.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” he glares at me but he takes it nonetheless.
I shrug. “It’s a letter Kim. Read it anytime you want to.” I tell him.
He’s about to say something when the doctors come in and greet us. He slips the letter inside his pocket and then listens as the doctors explain the procedure for today.
I tune them out because I don’t truly care for what will happen today, I just care about the outcome of it. They seem to be optimistic about it but I’m not. I know death is near, I feel it.
When it’s time to be wheeled to the OR, everyone is inside my room, telling me good luck and all of that nonsense. Kim doesn’t leave my side and holds my hands firmly. The nurse says it’s time so everyone leaves except Kim.
I look at him, really look at him because I know this will be my last time looking at those eyes full of love. I smile at him. “Thank you.”
He shakes his head, he leans down and kisses me on my forehead, he lingers his lips on my forehead then whispers. “I love you, please come back.”
I have no time to answer because the one of the doctors and Nurse Amara come in and say it’s time to go which I’m grateful for. I don’t know what to say to Kim anymore.
Slowly I let go of Kim’s hand and I smile at him wishing he’d see in my eyes how much his love means to me, how much grateful I am with him for coming into my life when I needed him most.
As I am being wheeled to the OR, I can’t help but feel death beside me, it’s a weird feeling. It’s cold and unfeeling. I should be scared that death is just right beside me, should miss the warmth but I don’t.
I welcome death with all my heart for I know that after death has taken be, I will be with Louie in a world with no pain and sufferings.
I smile as the anesthesiologist asks me to count to ten backwards. As I count backwards, my eyelids feel heavy, I let them close, and there’s nothing else but darkness.