Chapter 28 - It hurts when you won't let us in
I've been in the hospital for almost 2 weeks, I'm fine except the fact that I have a freaking HCM. And that anytime I could die. Ayos lang ako. Ayos na ayos lang. Never been better.
Sa buong dalawang linggo ko sa hospital, I've been tested, and medicated by all means. At kumuha din kami ng mga second opinions but as for now all they can do is give me medicines that can ease the pain. Sa two weeks na nandito ako hindi ako makalabas ng hospital dahil nanghihina na din ako, I didn't even visit Louie.
Ayaw nila akong payagan na bisitahin si Louie, bakit ganun? Ang gusto ko lang naman makita siya sa one year death anniversary niya pero bakit ayaw nila akong payagan? Kim didn't agree either. Akala ko kakampi ko siya pero hindi din niya ako pinayagan.
Yes, Kim came back here in Manila with Aunt Sachi together with Dr. Reynolds. Simula nung dumating si Kim, hindi ko masyado siya kinakausap, he's been trying pero ayoko. Naaawa lang ako sa sarili ko lalo pag nakikita ko siya, kasi alam ko kaya siya nandito kasi naawa lang siya sa akin.
I decided not tell my friends about me, ayoko kasi ng awa nila, ayokong tignan nila ako with their eyes clearly telling me that they do pity me. Hindi ko kailangan ng awa nila. Kahit kailan man ayoko ng awa. At I don't want to burden them. Alam ko na kung bakit tinago ni Louie yung sakit niya sa akin, sa amin, ayaw niya kasi na masaktan kami, ayaw niya din ng awa.
For two weeks, wala akong kinakausap, I've been living in my own world. Susunod lang ako sa mga pinapagawa nila pero I am living in my own world. I haven't cried in front of anyone, I haven't told anyone how I am feeling. I shut all of them out.
"Mary." I heard Kim's voice and so I looked over the door and saw him and the others. Nagulat ako kasi nasa likod ni Kim, sila Lani. "They wanted to know." he reasoned out.
I looked away. Bakit sinabi ni Kim?
Naramdaman kong lumapit sila Lani, Cass at Elle sa akin. "Mary, hindi na ba kami mahalaga sayo at nagawa mong itago to?" asked Lani.
Naramdaman ko na yung mga luha ko "Bakit nung kay Louie din naman hindi mo sinabi sa akin, so ibig sabihin hindi din ako mahalaga kasi hindi mo pinaalam sa akin?" I asked without looking at them. I'm being unreasonable, using Louie that is.
"Alam mo naman na hindi totoo yan Mary. He's my twin Mary kaya kahit ayoko, tinago ko kasi hiniling niya. Pero Mary nung nalaman ko ikaw yung una kong gustong sabihan." Lani said.
"Pero hindi mo parin sinabi." I cried "Tinago mo parin sa akin, tinago mo sa akin." I said.
"Mary, please understand naman na si Louie na yung humiling sa akin. Kambal ko yun at hiniling niya na wag na wag kong ipapaalam sa iba lalo na sayo." She cried. Alam ko naman yun eh, napagusapan na din naman to dati eh.
"Kahit na." I said.
"Kaya mo ba tinago sa amin to Mary kasi pinaparamdam mo din sa amin yung naramdaman mo nung hindi mo nalaman yung kay Louie?" Cass asked.
Maybe.
"Wala ako sa tabi ni Louie habang lumalaban siya. Nagpapakasaya ako habang nahihirapan siya."
"Mary, please Louie was stubborn. Please don't be stubborn too. Please let us in." Elle said "Eto din yung ginawa mo dati Mary eh, eto din. Nung nawala na si Louie, nawala ka din sa amin. Mary naman please don't shut us out, let us in." she said "Mary please, wag mo naman ipagkait sa amin na lumaban kasama ka."
"I don't wanna die." I cried at humarap ako sa kanilang tatlo. "Ayokong mamatay." I cried again "Sabi ko sa sarili ko na siguro pag kunti lang nakakaalam hindi siya totoo, siguro pwede pang bawiin, na pag kunti lang nakakaalam mawawala."
They went closer and hugged me "Hindi ka mamatay Mary. We won't let you die first. We've already lost one friend, we won't lose one again." Cass said.
"Ayoko pang mamatay pero a part of me just want to end it and be with Louie." I admitted.
"Hindi. Hindi pwede. Kaya pa naman maghintay ni Louie eh. Yaan mo siyang maghintay dito ka lang muna." Lani said.
"Gustong gusto ko ng makita si Louie Lani." I cried.
We all cried for what seems an eternity pero because I was too weak, I was given a medicine dahil nga hindi ako makahinga for crying. They got worried nung hindi ako nakapunta nung Nov. 6. They knew na dapat umaga palang nandun na ako pero wala ako kaya nagalala na sila, they went to my house pero wala ako, and our maids won't tell.
Hindi rin sila makakuha ng information sa mga pinsan ko dahil I let my cousins promised me na they won't tell anyone. So they used their one last card: Kim. They called him at sinabi ni Kim sa kanila yung totoo.
Umalis na din sila at naiwan nalang si Kim sa kwarto ko pero hindi ko siya kinakausap. Galit ako sa kanya. He shouldn't have told them.
"Mary." he called but I didn't bulge "I know you're mad right now but they had to know." he said. Parang hindi man siya nakokonsensya sa ginawa niya.
"You have no right." I hissed. "Wala kang karapatan na sabihin sa mga kaibigan ko kung anong nangyayari sa akin."
"They needed to know. They're your friends!" he said softly.
"That's it. Mine. Hindi sayo kaya kung may magsasabi sa kanila ako yun! Hindi ikaw! I let my cousins promised me but you...." I said but didn't finish what I was trying to say.
"I never promised you anything!" he yelled softly "You never said anything to me. Since the day I came back, you never said a word to me, you answered my questions but you never talked to me. I thought I am your best friend. Why can't you say anything to me?" his voice cracked, napatingin ako sa kanya and saw his face at gustong gusto kong tumayo at yakapin siya. "Mary, do you know what I felt when mom called me and told me about you? I died a thousand deaths. I couldn't focused on my class. I ran out of the room and bought a plane ticket going to New York. I wanted so much to be here with you. I wanted to be where you are and comfort you but since the day I walked in this room, you never did look at me, you never did tell me how you felt. And today it hurts like hell because you told them how you felt. It hurts to think I am just nothing to you." sabi niya nakayuko lang siya dun.
Dahan dahan akong tumayo at lumapit sa kanya, niyakap ko siya, hindi ko alam na sobra ko din pala siyang nasasaktan. "Sorry. I'm so sorry Kim." I cried. "You know you're more than nothing to me. You are my best friend." I told him. "Kim, hindi ko alam ang sasabihin ko sayo kasi alam kong nandito ka dahil naaawa ka lang sa akin."
"Mary, I'm not. I'm here because I love you and I want to be here with you." Kim said, he was hugging me back and I felt comfortable. "I love you so much that I can't bear to lose you. I'm here because this is where I should have been since the beginning. I shouldn't have left. I should have stayed here with you." he said. "I regret it so much. Leaving you that is."
"Wala naman magbabago Kim. May sakit parin ako. Mamatay parin ako."
"You won't!" Kim snapped "I won't let you die. I'd do everything I can not to let you die. You won't die on me."
Because I felt weak, nanghina na din yung tuhod ko at muntik na akong matumba buti nalang talaga nakayap ng mahigpit si Kim sa akin at nasalo niya pa ako, he carried me back to my bed.
I stared at him as he was caressing my head with his hand "Ian." I started and he looked at me "I dreamed of Louie last night." I admitted. "He was asking for my hand." I smiled at the memory of my dream.
Kim tensed. "Don't ever give him your hand no matter what." he said immediately.
I smiled at him weakly. "I can't always refuse him Kim. One day I need to take his hand and go with him." Alam ko simula sa panaginip ko kagabi na one day Louie would be there and offer his hand and I should take it. And that would be the day I die. Kagabi, I refused. And he smiled pero alam ko one day, I won't refuse anymore. I know it. One day when I am ready he'd be there again.
"The day you'd take his hand would be 100 years from now." Kim said sincerely. Ngumiti nalang ako para matapos na yung usapan namin. Pero alam ko na that one day would happen soon. Na kahit anong gawin nila, mamatay parin ako.
"I miss him Ian." I told Kim and he stopped from what he was doing, my eyes were closed but I knew his gaze were on me "I miss him so much and I wanted so much to take his hand last night but I couldn't. Siguro alam ko na pag tinanggihan ko siya babalik at babalik pa rin siya. Misan ko lang kasing mapanaginipan si Louie kaya siguro ko siya tinanggihan." I said, I opened my eyes and looked at him "I miss him pero I am not yet ready to die." I said.
"You're allowed to dream about him but never ever take his hand." Kim said and leaned forward to kiss my forehead. "Please don't take his hand yet." he said as his lips lingered on my forehead.
I slowly nodded. Hindi ko mapapangako kay Kim yung bagay na gusto niya kasi ngayon only time will tell, hindi ko na hawak ang buhay ko, okay dati ko pa hindi hawak ang buhay ko at si God lang may hawak nito pero what I meant was dati I can very well say I won't leave, I won't die pero ngayon I can't dahil ngayon hindi ko alam kung haggang kailan pa ako sa mundong ibabaw.
"Kim bumalik ka na sa school mo sabay nila Aunt Sachi." I told him. Hindi na siya pwede dito, kahit gusto kong nandito siya dahil ayokong magisa, mas maganda ng wala siya at maayos niya yung buhay niya. May school siya.
"What about you?" he asked.
I smiled at him, hindi pilit, hindi din peke pero tunay na ngiti "Kim, you have to go back to US." I told him. This is hard pero eto yung tama, eto yung tama kasi I can't pull him down with me.
"No. I'll stay here." he said firmly and he sure was determined, kilala ko siya at katulad ko stubborn din si Kim. At hindi ko alam kung paano siya papalayuin sa akin. I did everything pero eto parin siya.
"Kim, I'm dying. Soon Louie's gonna take me with him so you have to live your live." I told him.
Napatayo siya "Louie. Louie. Louie!" he repeated Louie's name so many times, he was frustrated "Why is everything about Louie?" he asked "What's so good about him anyway?" he said "He's dead and he won't be coming back!" he snapped pero alam kong nagulat din siya sa sinabi niya. Kasi napatingin na siya sa akin with his expression telling me he didn't mean it pero alam naming dalawa na he did.
"You're right hindi na siya babalik kaya nga diba kukunin na niya ako." I said. "Everything is about Louie kasi everything would always revolve around him. At kahit wala na siya, it will always be about him." I said.
"He's dead Mary move on!" Kim hissed at napatigil ako. Now this is Kim's rage about everything nilalabas na niya lahat ng sama ng loob niya "Just because he loved you and you also loved him back it doesn't mean it will always revolve around him! Get a life! He's dead and you're not. You can't love anyone else but him? Bullshit. You can't let go? Another bullshit. Cause Mary you can but you chose not to."
"Ayun nga Kim eh, hindi ko kaya. Siguro nga I can but I won't dahil ayun nalang yung natitira. Who's Mary without Louie?"
"You're being irrational Mary. Just because he was your first love it won't mean that you can never love again. You're closing your damn heart because you think everyone is beneath him. But wake up Mary. He is beneath everyone because he's damn DEAD!" Kim yelled at me.
"I can't believe you Kim." I told him. "Akala ko sa lahat ng tao ikaw yung makakaintindi. Akala ko pero mali pala ako. Alam mo Kim, if you want to be part of my life, always remember na package deal kami ni Louie. Dala dala ko siya sa buhay ko at no one can ever tell me na kailangan ko ng mag let go dahil kahit kailan hindi ko gagawin iyon. Kasi Kim, kahit sino pa yan, if I am left to choose it will always be Louie who I choose." I said. I'm pretty much disappointed. Akala ko kasi nung sinabi ko kay Kim yung tungkol kay Louie, he'd understand me at tatanggapin parin niya ako kahit pa kasama si Louie pero hindi pala ganun. "I'd choose him over my family. If the price of him ever coming back to me is my family then I'll pay for it just to have him." I told him as I looked in his eyes, I saw how hurt he was but I didn't care because I was mad. Because I am protecting Louie. "Pagod na ako kaya pwede umalis ka na?" I said as I tucked myself into the bed and covered myself with the blanket.
Alam kong hindi parin siya umaalis pero in time aalis na siya and I don't care. Kanina gusto ko siyang lumayo dahil ayun yung tama pero ngayon gusto ko na siyang lumayo dahil ininsulto niya si Louie. Dahil hindi niya maintindihan.
"You know Mary, someday when you find someone you truly love you'll let Louie go and choose the guy over him." Kim said.
"Hindi mangyayari yun Kim. Kung magmamahal man ako at papapiliin ako, I know very well kung sino ang pipiliin ko. Hindi magbabago yung desisyon ko kahit ilang taon pa ang magdaan. So guys should accept me with whole package or they can just go. Kasi Kim kahit kailan hindi ko kayang mag let go. Hindi ako marunong nun. And I won't teach myself how." I told him.
"Do you really think guys would accept you with that kind of package deal?" Kim asked.
"Kung mahal talaga ako nung lalaking yun, hindi na siya magdadalawang isip pa." I said.
"You know, they were right when they told me that since Louie died you won't let anyone in. But know this Mary, the more you push people away from you, the more you will be hurt." And I heard his footsteps finally leaving.
"Goodbye Kim."
This is the right thing to do. Tama na lumayo na siya sa akin para pag nawala ako, hindi na ganun kasakit.
But if only I knew then, then I would have pushed him farther away from me. I should have let him hate me then maybe things would go differently.
I slowly nodded. Hindi ko mapapangako kay Kim yung bagay na gusto niya kasi ngayon only time will tell, hindi ko na hawak ang buhay ko, okay dati ko pa hindi hawak ang buhay ko at si God lang may hawak nito pero what I meant was dati I can very well say I won't leave, I won't die pero ngayon I can't dahil ngayon hindi ko alam kung haggang kailan pa ako sa mundong ibabaw.
"Kim bumalik ka na sa school mo sabay nila Aunt Sachi." I told him. Hindi na siya pwede dito, kahit gusto kong nandito siya dahil ayokong magisa, mas maganda ng wala siya at maayos niya yung buhay niya. May school siya.
"What about you?" he asked.
I smiled at him, hindi pilit, hindi din peke pero tunay na ngiti "Kim, you have to go back to US." I told him. This is hard pero eto yung tama, eto yung tama kasi I can't pull him down with me.
"No. I'll stay here." he said firmly and he sure was determined, kilala ko siya at katulad ko stubborn din si Kim. At hindi ko alam kung paano siya papalayuin sa akin. I did everything pero eto parin siya.
"Kim, I'm dying. Soon Louie's gonna take me with him so you have to live your live." I told him.
Napatayo siya "Louie. Louie. Louie!" he repeated Louie's name so many times, he was frustrated "Why is everything about Louie?" he asked "What's so good about him anyway?" he said "He's dead and he won't be coming back!" he snapped pero alam kong nagulat din siya sa sinabi niya. Kasi napatingin na siya sa akin with his expression telling me he didn't mean it pero alam naming dalawa na he did.
"You're right hindi na siya babalik kaya nga diba kukunin na niya ako." I said. "Everything is about Louie kasi everything would always revolve around him. At kahit wala na siya, it will always be about him." I said.
"He's dead Mary move on!" Kim hissed at napatigil ako. Now this is Kim's rage about everything nilalabas na niya lahat ng sama ng loob niya "Just because he loved you and you also loved him back it doesn't mean it will always revolve around him! Get a life! He's dead and you're not. You can't love anyone else but him? Bullshit. You can't let go? Another bullshit. Cause Mary you can but you chose not to."
"Ayun nga Kim eh, hindi ko kaya. Siguro nga I can but I won't dahil ayun nalang yung natitira. Who's Mary without Louie?"
"You're being irrational Mary. Just because he was your first love it won't mean that you can never love again. You're closing your damn heart because you think everyone is beneath him. But wake up Mary. He is beneath everyone because he's damn DEAD!" Kim yelled at me.
"I can't believe you Kim." I told him. "Akala ko sa lahat ng tao ikaw yung makakaintindi. Akala ko pero mali pala ako. Alam mo Kim, if you want to be part of my life, always remember na package deal kami ni Louie. Dala dala ko siya sa buhay ko at no one can ever tell me na kailangan ko ng mag let go dahil kahit kailan hindi ko gagawin iyon. Kasi Kim, kahit sino pa yan, if I am left to choose it will always be Louie who I choose." I said. I'm pretty much disappointed. Akala ko kasi nung sinabi ko kay Kim yung tungkol kay Louie, he'd understand me at tatanggapin parin niya ako kahit pa kasama si Louie pero hindi pala ganun. "I'd choose him over my family. If the price of him ever coming back to me is my family then I'll pay for it just to have him." I told him as I looked in his eyes, I saw how hurt he was but I didn't care because I was mad. Because I am protecting Louie. "Pagod na ako kaya pwede umalis ka na?" I said as I tucked myself into the bed and covered myself with the blanket.
Alam kong hindi parin siya umaalis pero in time aalis na siya and I don't care. Kanina gusto ko siyang lumayo dahil ayun yung tama pero ngayon gusto ko na siyang lumayo dahil ininsulto niya si Louie. Dahil hindi niya maintindihan.
"You know Mary, someday when you find someone you truly love you'll let Louie go and choose the guy over him." Kim said.
"Hindi mangyayari yun Kim. Kung magmamahal man ako at papapiliin ako, I know very well kung sino ang pipiliin ko. Hindi magbabago yung desisyon ko kahit ilang taon pa ang magdaan. So guys should accept me with whole package or they can just go. Kasi Kim kahit kailan hindi ko kayang mag let go. Hindi ako marunong nun. And I won't teach myself how." I told him.
"Do you really think guys would accept you with that kind of package deal?" Kim asked.
"Kung mahal talaga ako nung lalaking yun, hindi na siya magdadalawang isip pa." I said.
"You know, they were right when they told me that since Louie died you won't let anyone in. But know this Mary, the more you push people away from you, the more you will be hurt." And I heard his footsteps finally leaving.
"Goodbye Kim."
This is the right thing to do. Tama na lumayo na siya sa akin para pag nawala ako, hindi na ganun kasakit.
But if only I knew then, then I would have pushed him farther away from me. I should have let him hate me then maybe things would go differently.
No comments:
Post a Comment