A Little Help from Destiny Chapter 32

Chapter 32 - The First Episode

After hysterically crying, nanghina ako at hindi makahinga, buti nalang at pumasok si Yaya sa kwarto ko at ayun nagmadali siyang ilagay sa akin yung oxygen mask at pinahiga ako sa kama ko. Pinakalma niya ako pero I can't calm down. 

Iyak lang ako ng iyak. Hindi ko na nga alam kung bakit ako umiiyak eh. 

"Mary, tama na iyak. Nakakasama sayo." sabi ni Yaya. 

Pero hindi ako tumigil sa pag-iyak ko kasi eto nalang yung kaya kong gawin ngayon: ang umiyak. Tas ipagbabawal pa nila sa akin. Lahat nalang bawal. Bawal tumawa ng malakas, bawal maglaro, bawal mapagod, pati eto ngayon, bawal ng umiyak. 

Lahat na nawala sa akin. Simula nung nagkasakit ako nawala na sa akin ang lahat. Lahat lahat wala na. Hindi ko naman hiniling tong buhay na to eh. They can take it if they want. Hindi ko to gusto. Ang gusto ko lang naman ay yung may makasama ako, yung may kaibigan akong kahit kailan nasa tabi ko lang. Pero kinuha din sa akin yan eh. 

Una si Louie. Tas ngayon si Phat at Kim. Nawala na sa akin. Hindi na sila babalik pa. 

I hate myself. I hate it so much that I want to die. Ngayon ko lang to naramdaman simula nung nalaman kong may HCM ako, ngayon ko lang ginustong mamatay. Ayoko na dito kasi sobra akong nasasaktan. I can't take this anymore. My life is not what it should be. 

Where's my happy ever after? 

Yaya called Karl at dumating agad si Karl, he was at school pero dumating siya bigla para sa akin, umiyak ako sa kanya, tanong siya ng tanong kung anong nangyari pero hindi ko masabi kasi alam ko pag sinabi ko sa kanya, mawawalan din siya. 

Alam kong selfish ako pero ayoko naman na pati si Karl mawalan. That's his best friend. All his life, sila ang magkasama. I can't take that away from my cousin. 

Pinilit niya ako pero hindi ko sinabi. That's when he called Lani and asked what was wrong with me and yeah by the looks of it, nalaman ni Karl. 

"Ginawa niya yun sayo couz?" he asked me and he was furious. 

I nodded and he hugged me once again "Karl ang sakit sakit kasi si Phat yun. Best friend ko. Okay lang na mag move on siya kasi ayun yung gusto ko Karl pero bakit niya ginamit si Phat." I cried. Kakasabi ko lang na hindi ako magsasalita pero eto ako ngayon sinasabi ang lahat sa pinsan ko. 

He's all I got. Siguro nga tama lang maging selfish tutal mamatay din naman ako eh. Edi dapat nasa tabi ko yung pinsan ko. Akin nalang muna siya. 

"I'm so sorry Mary. Ako may kasalanan nito. Kung hindi ko siya pinayagan na magpakilala sayo edi dapat hindi na to nangyari." he said alam kong umiiyak si Karl, minsan lang siya umiyak pero ramdam kong nasasaktan si Karl. Kasi yung sarili niyang best friend sinaktan ako. "I'm so sorry couz." he kept on repeating it. 

I shook my head kasi hindi naman niya kasalanan pero eto siya nagso-sorry. Eto siya sinisisi ang lahat sa sarili niya. Hindi naman niya kasalanan eh. Ako to eh pati si Kim. Kasalanan namin. Pero mas kasalanan ko dahil pinaasa ko si Kim. 

Tama, kanina sinisisi ko si Kim pero napagisip-isip ako, kasalanan ko pala. Umpisa palang kasalanan ko na. I should have not led Kim on, kung alam kong kahit kailan hindi ko kayang mag let go. I shouldn't have. 

"Hindi mo kasalanan Karl, wag kang humingi ng tawad because this is not your fault it's mine. I shouldn't have led him on. If I only..." I cried. 

"No no couz, wag mong sisisihin ang sarili mo ah. Wala kang ginawang mali. Siya ang may mali. Hindi ikaw. Kami pero hindi ikaw. Never naging ikaw ang may mali. It is not wrong to love someone so deep that you can't seem to let go. It's not wrong to hold on to Louie." Karl said.

Dati maraming may sabi na mali yung ginagawa ko, na dapat lang na bumitaw na ako kay Louie, pero eto ngayon, the odds are in my favor. Pero bakit ramdam ko parin na mali ako? 

"I'll fix this couz. You won't ever see Kim again. We won't talk about him anymore. He's no longer part of our world. He's just somebody we used to know." Karl said. And I saw how sad and angry his eyes were. Sad because he had decided na wala na yung friendship nila ni Kim, angry dahil nagawa sa akin yun ni Kim.


Alam ko iniisip ni Karl, kung nagawa sa akin to ni Kim then para kay Kim walang regards yung pagkakaibigan nila. Alam ko ganyan ang iniisip niya na walang halaga yung pinagsamahan nila. Karl is someone who can't just forgive and forget. Nasa pamilya namin yang trait na yan and Karl, he got that trait more. Mas deep si Karl. He hold grudges deeply.


At etong nangyayaring to, I don't know kung gusto kong mangyari yun. Hindi ko alam kung ayos lang bang masira yung pagkakaibigan nung dalawa dahil sa akin. Hindi ko alam. Ayoko, kasi nakikita ko yung friendship namin ni Louie kay Karl at Kim.


A friendship where you each accept each other's flaws, wherein trust and faith is the foundation of it, a friendship designed to love unconditionally. And that kind of friendship it will be good if it will last forever.


Parang pag tinignan natin ang bromance pero those two love each other as brothers. Kahit anong gawin nila isang pamilya na yung turing nila sa isa't isa. Pero I got involved. I entered their lives. And now it's pay back time.


Karl would choose me over Kim. We're family. Sabi nga nila blood will always be thicker than water and it's true. Kasi ngayon here is Karl promising me things will change, that Kim will be gone in our lives. And I ruined it.


I broke their friendship.


Bumaba si Karl para kumuha ng makakain ko dahil simula nung umuwi ako galing school hindi pa ako kumakain at kailangan ko daw kumain para makainom ako ng gamot.


Tumayo ako sa pagkakahiga ko sa kama at nagpunta sa may desk ko kung nasaan yung picture namin nila Phat. And I didn't know what came to me during that moment but I threw it and broken glasses where everywhere.


Nagwala ako sa sarili kong kwarto at hinagis lahat ng mga bagay sa loob and I cried harder. Everything in my life is a mess just like my room now. Broken glasses all over the carpeted floor, broken lamp shades, picture frames and everything.


Hindi ko na alam yung nangyayari sa buhay ko. Dati naman simple lang to. Dati I go to school to study and make friends then pag uwian na Louie would be there to pick me up and we'd hang out. I missed those days. I missed being carefree. I missed being normal.


Ngayon bago na yung buhay ko. Buhay na wala si Louie, buhay na may sakit ako at anytime I can die due to cardiac arrest, buhay na lahat ng kaibigan ko isa isa ng nawawala sa akin. Life where everyone around me is pitying the life I have now. The life of a teenage HCM patient.


Sa totoo lang I hate my life now. Yes it's true I've always hated my life. Sino ba naman gustong mabuhay na lagi ka nalang nasa dulo, pero ngayon I hate it so much that I want to die. I hate it so much and I can't take it. I can't endure another day like this.


I sat on the floor crying and thinking what should I do with my life. Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko. I can't stand up and pretend I'm ok kasi these past few weeks I've been doing that. I've been pretending pero ang hirap hirap na kasi kahit pa dati ko pa nagagawang mag pretend na ayos ako, na ayos ang lahat mas mahirap na ngayon.


Mas mahirap kasi kahit anong pikit ko sa mata ko, hindi ko na nakikita yung pinapangarap kong buhay, all I see is my grave and no one is there, dried leaves and all. Abandoned. Forgotten. Unloved.


Hindi ko na kaya, hindi ko na kayang tiisin yung mga tingin nila sa akin. I'm so tired of living like this. Siguro nga blessing in disguise yung sakit ko. I've remembered there was a time I asked if God could take me with Him and maybe this is His way. Finally answering my prayers.


Siguro naawa na din Siya kasi nakikita Niyang sobra na akong nahihirapan sa buhay na to. Sa buhay kung saan walang nagmamahal sa akin.


"Mary." I heard Karl's frantic voice and I looked up and saw him putting the tray in his hand at the top of my bed in a hurry, he ran towards me. He bent down and hugged me tightly "Anong ginagawa mo dito sa lapag? Baka masugatan ka." he said. He sounded so concern. And I knew he was.


Habang yakap yakap ako ni Karl, I stared at both of my hands, it was bleeding pero bakit hindi ko man naramdaman yung sakit? "Ayoko na Karl. I'm tired of living like this." I cried. "I want to be with Louie."


Humigpit yung yakap niya sa akin at nanginginig yung katawan niya and naramdaman kong basa yung sa may braso ko. "Wag ka naman magsalita ng ganyan Mary." he said.


"Ayoko na Karl." ulit ko "I feel so alone and I just want to be with Louie again." I said


"Nandito pa naman ako diba? Nandito ako. Hindi ka naman nag-iisa, I'm here and will always be here for you no matter what. Please don't give up. Hindi ko kakayanin mawala ka." Karl said. He was crying and I wanted to comfort him but I can't. I can't promise him anything anymore.


"I want to see Louie." I said and cried all over again. Hindi na ata napapagod yung mata kong maglabas ng mga luha dahil patuloy lang ang paglabas nila. I looked down and saw a piece of broken glass, medyo malaki siya and at that moment I took it in my hands, I stared at it and I don't know what came in to my mind but I just wanted to slit it down my wrist because I know if I slit it down then all of my problems will go away and I can see Louie again. "I want to see Louie." I said again.


I was holding it but I can't. Hindi ko kaya. I can't kill myself. I can't bring myself to do it. I'm too afraid. Bakit ganun? Diba dapat kung nasa kamay mo na makakaya mo, no hesitations and fears pero bakit ang hirap? Bakit ako natatakot? I am too afraid of God.


I'm weird.


"Mary!" I heard a loud frantic voice coming over near the door and I looked up and saw my mother, she looked scared, too scared for my liking then she turned her gaze down, I followed her gaze and it was on my hand holding the glass. "Put it down Mary." she said calmly.


Napahiwalay si Karl sa akin at nakita din niya yung hawak ko kaya madali niyang inagaw sa akin yung salamin. He looked at me with those eyes, eyes telling me that I can't do that and then I looked at my mother and hers was different, she looked at me like I was mad, a crazy stupid girl.


And with that I cried hysterically again. Nagwala ako agad pero agad din akong niyakap ni Karl, nagpumipiglas ako pero masyado siyang malakas, all I heard was him begging me to stop pero hindi ko magawang tumigil.


That's when I heard footsteps coming towards us and I felt a prick in my arm and I didn't mind. My mind grew fuzzy as sleep descended me.